June 02, 2024 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 2: OUR BODY, OUR BREATH

I think it's SO common for us to hold our breath in photos but that disconnects us from our body and enhances any anxiety in our body that might be coming up. How did focusing on the breath feel for you?

HOW DID FOCUSING ON SOME DEEP BREATHS FEEL FOR YOU AS YOU TOOK YOUR SELFIE? DID YOU NOTICE THE URGE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH?

I didn’t sleep well last night. The insomnia that comes with stress had me staring at the ceiling again. I have no tears left to cry. Out of a bored distraction I wander to the bathroom, my blood glucose reading still high at 19 mmol/L at 2am. But it felt good to read 11.4 at 5am. A small victory, even though it was back at 17.4 by noon, it’s hope that I will reach a day when the readings will not only be low, but normal.

Breathing today has been trying. There’s a tightness in my chest borne of my anxiety. The air in my bedroom is stale & I’m ashamed that I’m too lazy to crack the window open. Around 9am, I stepped under a cold shower, the first I’ve had in a long time. At first I want to escape it, but find when I speak lovingly to myself I can see it through. The ice water has this beautiful effect of forcing me breathe more deeply: right into the very depths of my sacral & solar plexus chakras with long, steady breaths.

The only light in my bathroom this morning came in through the window, soft & hazy from the cloudy sky above, lazily filling the space & coating my body pale white. As I dry myself I stop, hand over my heart, my eyes closed, trying to find some kind of solace. After a while, I pick up my iPhone from the windowsill, open the camera app, & closing my eyes again I take my picture while breathing naturally.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER TOOLS FOR GROUNDING THAT YOU USE IN OTHER PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Ponder what tools or actions you take part in to get grounded. Maybe it's making a cup of tea. Maybe it is feeling your feet on the ground or doing mountain pose? Maybe it is noticing your senses. Or maybe it is a crystal you like to hold or a stone in your pocket that helps you get grounded. List them here! And then ponder...could we include some of these as part of our process this month? Could we make ourselves a cup of tea as we're reading the class activities and get grounded before we take our selfie? Or feel the ground beneath our feet before we pick up our camera?

After I finished my shower, I opened the door to find my small, white, Maltese-Poodle Kira waiting for me. Excited, she starts a happy trot down the hallway to head outside. I stopped by my Mom’s bedroom door, & opened it to find her miniature poodle Tiffany waiting for me, greeting me with a playful good-morning of a bark. I opened the door to the garage & the dogs bound over to the door that goes outside. I opened it to watch them sprint across the pavement towards the lusciously wet grass. I follow, breathing in the cool moist air as a drizzle hits my skin. For a moment I’m grounded in the present moment, the stress of yesterday having slipped away for a time. Soon, the dogs are finished their business & before I know it we’re snuggled on the couch with the fireplace on, as I drift away for a late morning nap.

Before heading out later in the day, I put on a rich blue, Lapis Lazuli bracelet. Specifically it has 17 polished stones of various rectilinear shapes. The Charms of Light website describes the properties of Lapis as follows:

A stone of protection that may be worn to guard against psychic attacks, Lapis Lazuli quickly releases stress, bringing deep peace.  It brings harmony and deep inner self-knowledge.  Encourages self-awareness, allows self-expression and reveals inner truth, providing qualities of honesty, compassion and morality to the personality.  Stimulates objectivity, clarity and encourages creativity.  Lapis Lazuli assists to confront and speak one’s truth and inspires confidence.  It bonds relationships, aiding in expression of feelings and emotions.

Lapis Lazuli boosts the immune system, purifies blood, lowers blood pressure, cooling and soothing areas of inflammation.  It alleviates insomnia and vertigo, and overcomes depression.  Lapis Lazuli benefits the respiratory and nervous systems and the throat, vocal cords, and thyroid, cleanses organs, bone marrow and thymus.

I also put on a heart shaped Bumblebee Jasper necklace. It’s also polished, which sharpens its orange, black and sandy brown swirls. The Crystal Council website notes how:

Bumblebee Jasper is a great life talisman that is here to help keep you “buzzing” throughout your day, even when negative energies constantly come your way. This stone helps you maintain a positive and upbeat attitude through the daily stresses of life, while encouraging you to continue your own spiritual evolution. So often can the societal stress you have placed upon yourself override and suppress your soul’s growth and true potential. This can lead you to eventual sadness and depression as your mind and subconscious become imbued with falsehoods. Bumblebee Jasper will prevent that mindset from infecting you or your aura, and instead will push you closer than ever to finding your life’s purposes. Simply by activating and connecting your solar plexus and sacral chakras, you will become more in touch with yourself and understand your deep emotional body. These sacred attributes housed in your lower chakra system are the driving force of what you do and why you do it. You may refer to this as your “engine”, as your gut houses the most powerful emotions offered in this realm. Bumblebee Jasper will help “oil” your engine and provide you with a smooth ride through life.”

For a time in 2020, I would meditate with the stones I picked to wear that day. I’d start by cleansing them, returning them to their base resonant frequency by playing one of my small metal singing bowls. I have seven small bowls altogether, each one attuned to the specific frequency of a different chakra. But I haven’t done this in years. It’s time to start again… if I can find them.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

(275/365).

June 01, 2024 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

I went to sleep last night with an optimism that was crushed when I went to White Rock U-Lock to catch up on my storage locker payments. Grey fingerprint like swooshes on my black cane matched the cloudy sky above as I hobbled into their front office. Buried in my pocket, my left hand clenched my debit card & 10 $100 dollar bills. That cash, alongside a debit payment should have settled the debt, unlocking my online access so I could pay for my through year’s end. I greeted a lady at the front desk, explaining why I was there. She looked up my account, but it wasn’t there. Eventually she found 2 closed accounts: 1 for a small locker I had from 2008-‘13; & a larger one I’d had since ‘13.

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October 5, 2023 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 05: OUR REFLECTIONS

HAVE YOU EXPLORED TAKING REFLECTIVE PHOTOS BEFORE TODAY? HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

I know for many of us we hear 'reflection' and we think the mirror. And the mirror is often another place like through the camera where we might find old stories come up. We'll connect with the mirror later in class, but today is about reclaiming a playful and inquisitive relationship with our reflection. How did finding your reflection in this way feel?

From October 5, 2023: With photo challenges like this, I have to be careful that I don’t overthink a challenge & become paralyzed by the process. So, as I headed out, I reminded myself to keep it simple & just be mindful of recognizing those brief moments when my reflection appears on surfaces that aren’t traditionally considered mirrors.

With the injuries to my feet, my adventures have been confined to taking short drives to grocery stores, restaurants, pharmacies, & the hospital. Today was no different, as I drove from my Mom’s to Peace Arch Hospital. After registering, I head to the cafeteria to get an oatmeal cookie, a bottle of water, & a hot tea. When the cafe is closed, I stop to see what the vending machines have. When I was young, they stood as shrines of sugary, addictive junk food. But now they only offer purportedly healthy snack food items in each slot of every row. My finger reaches out to type 1, 4 & 4. The machine’s readout displays the price of a small bag of peanuts: $3.75. I roll my eyes at the price, even though I’ve purchased this item before & knew what it would say. I walk away, deciding not to get anything.

HOW IS BUILDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOURSELF THROUGH THE CAMERA FEELING FOR YOU SO FAR THIS MONTH?

We're only on Day 5, but we're already in the process of creating a habit of taking a selfie each day and building a relationship to ourselves through the camera. What has that relationship been in the past between you and a photo? And what would you like it to be like in the future? Proclaim it here in this space...what are some words to describe how you'd like your relationship to seeing yourself in photos be in the future? Open? Kind? Inquisitive? Exciting? Thoughtful? There is no right or wrong here...let whatever is coming up for you have a place to land here!

It can be a struggle to stop myself from binging. Crawl out of bed in a depressed state? Head to the kitchen to have a bowl of Corn-Pops; a few slices of toast with either butter, peanut butter, & jam on it, or instead of jam, honey; a muffin, heated with butter; a few glasses of fruit juice; a small yogurt with granola sprinkled on top; & a large cup of tea with milk. Head back to bed. When I’m driving, it can be a challenge not to turn into some place like the Dairy Queen to order a chocolate dipped vanilla soft serve cone, or a peanut buster parfait. And it’s also a challenge not to load up on an extra large popcorn; Reese’s Pieces peanuts wrapped in smooth peanut butter & a crunchy candy shell; as well as an extra large Coca-Cola when I go to the movies.

Even writing this reflection in bed makes me wonder what junk may be sitting in the cupboard, the fridge, or hidden in the garage. I haven’t gained weight since my stroke, but it’s a fear. I hate fat Steve. He kept me from being photographed with friends, & in selfies.

(278/365).

This was originally posted on Instagram.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.