Today at the end of my 36th daily antibiotics IV treatment, the nurse notified me that I was being referred to an orthopaedic surgeon as the wound therapy doctor did not like the results of the X-Rays I had done last week. That news scared me, and as I sit here in my SUV, feeling empty inside, my eyes stare out into the distance, at the grey grassy properties sitting behind blue super saver fences; and at the surfaces of my vehicle’s interiors that haven’t been cleaned since last summer. There’s a dog barking but I can’t make out where it is but it’s close enough that it muffles the steady stream of traffic slipping east and west half a block in front of me on 16th Avenue.
Yesterday, a wound specialist examined my feet, and treated the main toe that’s been causing me trouble since it split open again just over a month ago. Apparently the bottom wound slices up and connects to the top wound, forming this little hole in my foot. The wound is getting smaller, but the bone is still visible. The pain isn’t too bad, although I’m still taking a Tylenol 3 most afternoons, and the wound itself isn’t bleeding like it was even a week ago. I no longer remove my shoes upon getting home to find blood soaked socks. But it all still depresses me so much.
Another nurse asked me how I was as she hooked me up to the IV today, and I said “I’m okay, I’m alive,” a standard answer I usually give people. She retorted by saying I should be more careful about how I speak about myself, as the universe can hear negativity, and could reward one with more negativity as a result. And deep down, I know she’s right. It’s a curious message to get especially considering the information I received at the end of my session. I just want to feel better again. I’m tired of being tired. Tired of falling behind. Tired of always being behind.
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