I’ve been dreading today, a day whose experience was shot in slow motion. My mind stuck in a haze that felt thicker than anything I’d experienced before. My eyes burned red from the doubt that had been building in me for months now, like a dust that had settled onto my skin to form a blanket of despair that was only escapable through the darkness of sleep. Not even my dog stayed with me today although I eventually got up in time to head to the hospital, thinking how I should be heading there from the university following the first class of my fourth year open studio 1 class.

Everything today was tied to that by my mind. At 6am, I should be gathering up things I’ve wanted to work with. At 7:00am, I should be heading to a cafe for a quick breakfast. I’d even been thinking of trying to get permission to do the course with an override, but I kept putting off writing that email, kept thinking I had no right to make such a request. Just like I’ve put off finishing this post. Just like I’ve put off getting things cleaned up. Just like I keep letting myself down because of my shitty choices.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything. Ultimately it all comes down to me, and who I am. And who I want to be. I’ve declared it before, that I don’t want to be depressed, but my efforts to lift myself up out of this malaise have been mediocre at best. When I think about it, I find the thoughts just melt into the fog, leaving me staring blankly into the world, sadder than ever before.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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