January 03, 2025 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Another day slipped away where I didn’t achieve much. I slept in, managing to take out the dogs around 10:30am. I then put the kettle on to boil to make tea followed by sitting on the sofa with Mom’s dog Tiffany in my arms, cradling her on her back like one would hold an infant. Her eyes were closed as I gently massaged her belly while @drewfromtv led contestants through various games on @therealpriceisright, a show I haven’t seen in years. My dog Kira lay curled up at my feet, content to let me spend time with Tiff.

Eventually I got dressed and headed to @choicesmarket to get some ground turkey and other ingredients with which to make a meatloaf. It was Sadie’s last day at the store I learned, as she bagged my groceries, her eyes bright with excitement peering out from behind her glasses, her smile stretching from ear to ear with a graceful ease. She starts at UBC next week and will be moving closer to the campus. I wished her well, and said I’d miss her chipper demeanour.

Before Choices though, I had a warm bowl of tortilla soup with three enchiladas, rice, and beans at @aychihuahuamexfood. The soup was soothing and helped calm the anxiety that lingers beneath my skin like a weak and jittery force field of energy. A thin coat of paint, a blanket of dust barely visible, but there nonetheless.

Later in the day I had wound care for my legs. They’re slowly getting better, and might improve quickly if I could stop picking at them. Even as I lay in bed tonight, I’ve peeled back a bandage to rip at the skin that’s trying to recover, a small trickle of blood running down over my ankle.

After having @fiveguysca for dinner, complete with a large @cocacola_ca, I did a load of clothes, including a few of my compression socks. I already have an idea of my Saturday schedule: in the morning I want to clean the cat’s room at Mom’s, and pack up some of the Christmas decorations I managed to put out.

I only hope I don’t sleep in.

03/365. This is my third post for 2025 in my ongoing subversive selfie project, where I try to capture an honest account of my life, both the good, the bad, and the ugly for preservation on social media.

January 01, 2025 Subversive Selfie Project Post

It’s been a new year for almost twenty-four hours now as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, as my Dyson fan blows cool air across my upper body. I haven’t been posting much to social media in recent months, partly because the desire just hasn’t been there.

My legs are sore tonight, as is my right shoulder, arm, and back. The muscles are tense, as if they are encased in cement that sends lightning along the pain receptors as I make even the simplest of gestures. Basically, the areas that are sore are the same areas that were impacted by the stroke I had at the end of January 2023, almost two years ago. The hospital put me on a new oral antibiotic to supplement the IV was getting over the last few weeks. On Sunday, December 15, 2024 I made my way into the ER at Peace Arch Hospital as my right leg was swollen and sore around the large area I’d been picking at over the past few months. I feared a new infection. My left leg also had open sores from similar attacks by the nails on my fingers, only it wasn’t swollen. The doctor set me up for IV again, as well as oral medication: two different antibiotics. The doctors have seen me before, and I sense disappointment in them seeing me back so soon since my last round of treatment. They don’t seem to understand why I feel the desire to submit myself to this kind of persistent personal torture. But they’re glad I know that I am aware that it needs to stop… I’m on a wait list to see the psychiatrist again. But I’m not sure more medication is the answer.

I feel so stuck in life. I want things to change but I don’t know where to start or if it’s even worth trying anymore.

01/365: this is the first post in my subversive selfie project for 2025, a creative personal project where I try to reflect honestly about where I am in life.

January 02, 2025 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Day two of 2025 started with my taking Kira and Tiffany out into the backyard so they could do their morning business. The pebbled concrete was damp and cool on my bare feet as I walked across it, looking out at the dark green grass lit by a cloudy grey sky.

I then made tea for my mom and I. Assam with organic 2% milk. Hot tea settles my nerves a bit, and by its very nature forces me to slow down to savour the moment as it’s something that can’t be chugged. I sit at the kitchen table, scrolling through social media on my iPhone: Facebook, Instagram, X, and YouTube. Nothing really catches my eye, so I open Coursera, and listen to a few of the videos for a workshop on memory as portrayed in film.

The week’s first film will have me screen 50 FIRST DATES, a film that came out just over twenty years ago. It’s about a young man played by Adam Sandler, who tries to win the heart of Drew Barrymore, who is unable to retain short term memories. The course examines the films to discuss how they relate to the latest understanding of the human brain and its ability to process and store memories. I enrolled in this because a lot of my own artwork focusses on portrayals of the self, and a key aspect of that, and of writing memoir, focuses on how people remember experiences, and reflect on what happens in life.

The rest of the day slipped by rather unproductively. I got two loads of laundry done, and worked on cleaning the guest bathroom at my Mom’s. I last scrubbed the room down in October, although it feels as though I did nothing then. I then went to Starbucks where I worked on some writing for awhile before heading back home to the comfort of my unmade bed.

A more careful eye will notice I skipped over the argument I had with my mum, over my slow progress with getting the garage organized and cleaned. Like the bathroom, I make progress but then let that progress slip away. I’m tired of being so unreliable.

02/365. This is the second entry of 2025 for my subversive selfie project… a fine art photography and short reflective memoir exercise I do to try and keep an honest account of my life going everyday for the world to see.