From August 17, 2025: It’s definitely been awhile since I posted a #SubversiveSelfie to my @Instagram feed. I hate to feel #depressed still but these past several weeks have slipped by so quickly & so slowly too. It’s slow when my #insomnia kicks in & I just #BedRot, in a completely unhealthy manner, tossing & turning, trying to find #comfort, knowing that when the daylight comes again I’ll #passout simply being past the point of exhaustion. @JayVeraSummer, writing for @SleepIsTheFoundation earlier this year reminds us how: “Spending time in bed while awake could cause an association between wakefulness & being in bed, which could contribute to trouble sleeping.” Reading that makes me chuckle a little because when you are as #depressed as I have been, surrounded by the impacts of hoarding, the bed becomes one of the few areas of refuge remaining.
So I spent the afternoon finishing a letter for my bank, one that I started awhile back but never finished. It’s one I can also give to my doctor as well as the mental health unit in @cityofwhiterock who I thought was going to reach out after my #ERvisit last month but didn’t. I feel unseen & unheard by the psychiatrists there: the only thing they seem to do is tweak my medication & send me away. It sucks, as I’ve long felt it’s my #antidepressants that haven’t been helping me.
“Give it more time Steven, give it more time…” were the words parroted by him & my primary care physician at the time, when I first cautiously expressed in an unassured voice how I didn’t think they were working. But two years on, might have been enough time to draw a firmer conclusion, & reconsider what I’ve been taking.
It’s weird though cause I went to the ER last month concerned about how it felt like I’d had another stroke, but they pivoted to worrying about my mental health issues. They then wrapped up my feet to let me go back out into the world, but then failed to follow up on anything. It makes me feel overwhelmed, like all my maladies are nothing more than some imposter syndrome, my mind making up comorbidities as my body aches, & my legs continue to bleed.
I want to move past this. All of it.
I want to get better.
(229/365).