June 1, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

June 1, 2022

DAY 1: TAKING THE FIRST STEP

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING FOR IN THE JOURNEY AHEAD THIS MONTH?

As we begin this month of opening up to seeing ourselves with kindness through our cameras, what are you hoping for?

June 1, 2022: Hello June. I’m here again, trying to pickup my #subverted #selfie project following the #beyourownbeloved challenge from February. I stalled with that but tried again in May, only making it to May 4, just 1 day longer than I had back in February. On May 5 I had a #breakdown which flatlined my #creativity for the rest of the month as I focused on my #university work: stuff for a course on Creativity & Leadership from the spring; followed by work for an Art History of Graffiti course I’m doing right now.

The theme for the 1st day of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED challenge centred on taking a first step, but this week the fog of my #depression has socked back into my life. It hurts. I feel the stress clenching my heart, making each #beat tinge with an electric shock. My breathing is #laboured as my mind falls in & out of moments of overwhelm. Yesterday, I managed to make my #bed for the 1st time in months. The smell of clean sheets is comforting.

What would you love to feel in this experience? Are there certain types of selfies you hope to capture?

This morning, I ended up texting with a woman from an online depression group I’m in. She’s going through a rough time, & I talk about monkey mind & quote Natalie Goldberg, Jon-Kabat Zinn. I remind her that she’s not other peoples thoughts of herself. I describe using breath-work to reconnect with the present moment, & journaling to expel negative thoughts. Things I should be doing.

IT CAN BE POWERFUL TO GIVE VOICE TO WHAT WE'RE NERVOUS OR FEARFUL OF TOO. WHAT FEARS OR WORRIES ARE ON YOUR MIND? By giving them space to be heard and knowing that they might come up again, it can help us begin to diffuse their power over us!

My legs are still beat up. I can feel the pain of a fresh scar as my bare leg runs along the sheets, a scar from a deep scratch that I’m not sure how I got. My feet are dry from running the fan in my room. My tattoo peaks out from the sheets it’s laying on & I wonder what might happen to it should it ever get deeply scratched. Would it be ruined forever?

I end up listening to a March 21, 2021 talk with Natalie Goldberg, where she recalls how her Zen teacher, Katagiri Roshi once said to her about responding to the throws of depression: “…get up & brush your teeth…. Make positive effort for the good… brush your teeth… wash the dishes. Just assert yourself. Make positive effort for the good.”

So just for today, I’ll try just that. To make positive effort for the good.

152/365.

This photo originally appeared on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PHOTO ALREADY? IF NOT...ARE YOU FEELING RESISTANT? IF SO, IT'S TOTALLY OKAY AND LET'S EXPLORE WHY!

You might fine that with this or any prompt, you feel resistant. That is totally okay and it can actually be a really good thing as it's a sign that there is change ahead. Your inner critic doesn't want you to change and it works really hard to prevent that. So when we feel that resistant feeling it's usually a sign that we SHOULD do it, no matter what our inner critic says. So let's compassionately and playfully step into our resistance to a prompt, keep going...keep trying. Out past our resistance is our realizations!

Plus, we're on Day 1 of a class, beginning a process of taking a photo every day! Today is about creating that motion in the process and this space it to let yourself acknowledge the resistance and see what happens next!

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #feet #heels #scar #pjamabottoms #legs #pjamas #towels #tiles #cupboards #dog #bathroom #walkingaway #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

May 4, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

May 4, 2022

DAY 4: THE STORY OF YOU

Today we're exploring tell your story, your body's story. Let's get inspired by one part of our bodies and tell their story, focusing on a part of your body you can invite in compassion towards through this story.

You might use some of these suggestions or create your own. Let some of those stories of you spill out onto this page and into your photo today.

THESE FEET HAVE TAKEN ME...
THESE ARMS HAVE HELD...
THIS BELLY HAS NOURISHED...
THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED...
THESE EYES HAVE SEEN...
THESE EARS HAVE HEARD...

May 4, 2022: THESE #HANDS HAVE #CREATED the movements in each finger that allow me to #type out #stories, letter by letter, that are sent from my mind thru neural pathways running down my neck and arms, to help execute the cognitive commands needed to make my thoughts appear on screen.

Pictured here is my left hand. My dominant hand by birth. Around 11% of the population is left handed and knowing that stat should make me feel unique, but instead it makes me feel abnormal as my Dad believed it would only leave me at a disadvantage in life.

I remember the dim light of our living room, and the soft fibre of the carpet beneath my pyjama bottoms as I used the coffee table as a desk for writing. My Dad sat behind me, a solitary Buddha like figure, his eyes split between the tasks of reading his newspaper, sipping Canadian Club and watching me practice printing or cursive writing with my right hand. I struggled, finding the task difficult. I can still hear his “tsk, tsk” and various tonal sighs at my lack of improvement. This was something that repeated across several subjects, most notably math and science. Today, Google brings up the following information based on the search term ‘left handed personality characteristics … ‘

“Five personality traits of left-handed people…

Lefties are more creative.
Left-handed people have a big advantage at competitive sports.
Lefties are more likely to suffer from mental illness.
Lefties hear speech differently.
Left-handed people tend to be more fearful.”

All of these seem to ring true for me with the exception of competitive sports, as I’ve always shied away from that. And the fearfulness… I’m not certain about that either. Cautious might be a better word as I try to be more positive and gentle towards myself. Shyness. Socially awkward. INFJ-T. Introverted. Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

124/365.

This image was originally posted to Instagram and Flickr.

#depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #windowcleaning #soulconfessions #tryingtogetbetter #selfie #subvertedselfie #instaselfie #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

May 3, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

May 3, 2022

DAY 3: EMERGING INTO THE IMAGE

HOW HAS IT BEEN EMERGING INTO THIS EXPERIENCE?

Today's prompt is all about emerging into the process and our photo using one of my favourite creative ways to take a photo. It's a great one to help us emerge a bit more into the photo and this experience. How has it been emerging into the experience as a whole far?

May 3, 2022: Over the last month, I have been working on temerging from my shell of #anxiety, #loneliness, & #depression. I’ve also being trying to break free from my moments of intense #selfloathing as well as my sense of #unworthiness.

What have I done to get here?

Well, the biggest thing I did was to work out & implement a plan to save my spring #semester at @kwantlenu. Most mornings I get up between 5-7am & head to either @aldercrossingstarbucks or @southpointsbux where I work for anywhere from 2-5 hours on stuff I’ve needed to get done for my courses. Sometimes I’d take a break & run errands, to end up at @lauras_coffee_corner or one time, @everbeancafe to continue my work. And it’s been #productive. And I thank these places with the deepest #gratitude for letting me nest there, living off tea and snacks.

I committed to doing this as part of my plan, as both my place & my Mum’s are still really #unorganized. The mess has been a hindrance to getting things like my university classes done. Term after term, I thought I could spend a week or two going gangbusters on tackling my messes, to then go back to my classes, but that just wasn’t working. The cleaning would end up taking too long, I’d get behind, & then the depression would slip back in, & I’d end up wasting my days in bed, leaving everything to remain undone. Six terms in a row this happened… & this spring was almost the seventh.

I USED THE WORD 'EMERGING' BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO LET OURSELVES EASE INTO THE PROCESS. WHAT ARE THE COMFORT ZONES YOU'RE NOTICING SO FAR?

Are you noticing that some prompts are more outside your comfort zones than others? If you find yourself coming up against a comfort zone, could you let yourself use a tool like this and emerge into the photo gently rather than push yourself and make it all or nothing? Can you think of any other times you let yourself stretch into an experience, step by step and let yourself emerge gently?

Today I shot this photo of myself as I prepared to head to @stjohnambulancebc for day two of a Mental Health First Aid course I’m in, after working for an hour at Southpoint Starbucks on one of the outstanding #assignments due for my Interdisciplinary Expressive Arts classes at Kwantlen. Doing this has formed a large part of my routine since late March: going to classes, or going somewhere to study. And then chipping away at everything else. Even now, as I write this caption, I’m doing so in the parking lot of St John’s Ambulance following the completion of the Mental Health First Aid this afternoon.

I still have a lot to do. But I’m trying. I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve said this countless times before but I really am. I’m tired of being down on myself.

123/365.

This photo was originally posted to Instagram and Flickr.