May 2, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 2: OUR BODY, OUR BREATH

I think it's SO common for us to hold our breath in photos but that disconnects us from our body and enhances any anxiety in our body that might be coming up. How did focusing on the breath feel for you?

May 2, 2022: I had a nervous breakdown last night, sharing to my story some of the deep sobbing I found myself in. I was doing so well in recent weeks, but last night it was all crashing down. It hurt. My body ached. My chest was tight. As if it was caught in a vice that someone was slowly tightening by turning the handle that moved its rusty lead screw.

I reflected on March 2nd how focussing on my breath provides me with a way to slow down when I get agitated, anxious & depressed… when I remember to do it. Last night was one of those nights where I totally forgot to breathe. So when I got home tonight, I lay in bed, and breathed. I started with several sets of five deep breaths in a row. To paraphrase @thichnhathanh - Breathing in, I knew I was alive. Hold for two seconds. And breathing out, I knew it was good.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER TOOLS FOR GROUNDING THAT YOU USE IN OTHER PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Ponder what tools or actions you take part in to get grounded. Maybe it's making a cup of tea. Maybe it is feeling your feet on the ground or doing mountain pose? Maybe it is noticing your senses. Or maybe it is a crystal you like to hold or a stone in your pocket that helps you get grounded. List them here! And then ponder...could we include some of these as part of our process this month? Could we make ourselves a cup of tea as we're reading the class activities and get grounded before we take our selfie? Or feel the ground beneath our feet before we pick up our camera?

This morning, I did sleep in but had time to take the dogs into my Mom’s backyard so they could do their business. I walked out with them, leaving my sandals in the house, just letting my feet walk across the cement patio and onto the cool grass that was still wet from the rain that had fallen during the night. There was a drizzle too but it felt nice on my skin. I slowly walked out into the yard, eventually coming to a stop, closing my eyes. I breathed in. And then out. In, and then out. In. Out.

Today I attended the first day of a mental health first aid course I signed on for. It wasn’t the easiest day, especially when it came to the discussion of depression, mood disorders, & of course, suicide. So basically the discussion of everything. I loved hearing about a 2004 ad campaign by the Canadian Psychiatric Research Foundation (CPRF), called “Imagine if we treated everyone like we treat the mentally ill.” Naomi Liu, in an article for #heretohelpbc describes how “The ads asked people to juxtapose how they treat people with physical conditions or disabilities with their treatment of people with psychiatric disabilities…” again this campaign was so good. So important. And thank you @stjohnambulancebc for sharing it as a part of your course.

122/365.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #face #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

May 1, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY  1:  TAKING  THE  FIRST  STEP

WHAT  ARE  YOU  HOPING  FOR  IN  THE  JOURNEY  AHEAD  THIS  MONTH?

As  we begin  this  month  of  opening  up  to  seeing  ourselves  with  kindness  through  our  cameras,  what  are you  hoping  for?

May 1, 2022: So. It’s May 1, 2022. It’s been two months now since I declared on March 1 that I was embarking on a new journey of self #reflection, self exploration, and #selflove. I wrote about wanting to #connect more deeply with myself as an individual, as I try to overcome the #depression which has paralyzed me for too long now. It was a part of a month long challenge I had enrolled in which was to have taken place in February 2022. But I only made it three days into the challenge before I started falling behind and I failed at it. Again.

Since March 3, I’ve only posted about ten #selfies. For all of 2022, only around seventeen selfies. 17 out of 120 days that have already passed in 2022. My monkey mind gets negative with myself when I can’t even achieve something I’ve wanted to do daily now since January 1, 2020. It seems indicative of my inability to commit to things, even things I want to think I’m genuinely interested in.

I’ve also watched my engagement on @Instagram plummet this year, & I saw my @500px fine art #photography account get banned. So it also makes my monkey mind natter away at me about why do I even bother making #art if nobody gives a shit about it? But maybe it draws back to me not being consistent... If I don’t put the effort into making the work, why should anyone put in the effort to follow, like, share, & comment on it?

What  would  you  love  to  feel  in  this  experience?  Are  there  certain  types  of  selfies  you hope  to  capture?

On March 1, I also declared that when I get into a funk, I’m going to try and look at it more positively, which I know is not at all easy to do. And I did that sometimes. First, I made a plan to salvage part of my semester @kwantlenu, & it could of the three courses I stayed enrolled in, I might end up with three A+ grades. Then, I made a plan to get certain certifications completed in areas that might help me secure work come summer: film industry orientation and safety, first aid, food safety, traffic control, and WHMIS among others… so I have options.

IT  CAN  BE  POWERFUL  TO  GIVE  VOICE  TO  WHAT  WE'RE  NERVOUS  OR FEARFUL  OF  TOO.  WHAT  FEARS  OR  WORRIES  ARE  ON  YOUR  MIND? By  giving  them  space  to  be  heard  and  knowing  that  they  might  come  up  again,  it  can  help  us  begin  to diffuse  their  power  over  us!

On March 1st I also mentioned how I’m too quick to jump online & moan about the state of my life, & the majority of my selfies since then have done just that. I guess one things clear this May 1st… I I still have a lot of work to do.

121/365.

This was originally posted on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

HAVE  YOU  TAKEN  YOUR  PHOTO  ALREADY?  IF  NOT...ARE  YOU  FEELING RESISTANT?  IF  SO,  IT'S  TOTALLY  OKAY  AND  LET'S  EXPLORE  WHY!

You  might  fine  that  with  this  or  any  prompt,  you  feel  resistant.  That  is  totally  okay  and  it  can  actually  be  a really  good  thing  as  it's  a  sign  that  there  is  change  ahead.  Your  inner  critic  doesn't  want  you  to  change and  it  works  really  hard  to  prevent  that.  So  when  we  feel  that  resistant  feeling  it's  usually  a  sign  that  we SHOULD do it,  no  matter  what  our  inner  critic  says.  So  let's  compassionately  and  playfully  step  into  our resistance  to  a  prompt,  keep  going...keep  trying.  Out  past  our  resistance  is  our  realizations!

Plus,  we're  on  Day  1  of  a  class,  beginning  a  process  of  taking  a  photo  every  day!  Today  is  about  creating that  motion  in  the  process  and  this  space  it  to  let  yourself  acknowledge  the  resistance  and  see  what happens  next!

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #feet #heels #scar #pjamabottoms #legs #pjamas #towels #tiles #cupboards #dog #bathroom #walkingaway #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

March 3, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 3: EMERGING INTO THE IMAGE

HOW HAS IT BEEN EMERGING INTO THIS EXPERIENCE?

Today's prompt is all about emerging into the process and our photo using one of my favourite creative ways to take a photo. It's a great one to help us emerge a bit more into the photo and this experience. How has it been emerging into the experience as a whole far?

March 3, 2022: Cleaning up and organizing my place and my Mom’s has been overwhelming at times. A large part of the mess that surrounds me has been fed by my addiction to over-spending, often beyond my means. It’s something I know I need to work on more seriously. It’s not that I can’t be responsible with my spending: when I was younger I was very obsessive with tracking every cent: I kept track of my receipts and spending in an excel workbook, and made sure I balanced out each month. I’d put a percentage of my each paycheque into a savings account, one that was locked down tight so the only way I could move money from it was to actually phone my bank and had it transferred out of the account. I was also Director of Finance at my university’s student union, where I assisted in overseeing a forensic audit conducted by PWC.

But since my depression settled in deeply over the last few years, I found myself digging myself in deeper and deeper with the spending. It’s just been so easy to do when you’re lying in bed, wanting to erase my troubles, my sorrows. Other people drink and do drugs. I eat way too much junk food, and spend like a drunken sailor. It’s caused

So today I emerge from the myst, finishing a deep clean of my Mother’s living room.

I USED THE WORD 'EMERGING' BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO LET OURSELVES EASE INTO THE PROCESS. WHAT ARE THE COMFORT ZONES YOU'RE NOTICING SO FAR?

Are you noticing that some prompts are more outside your comfort zones than others? If you find yourself coming up against a comfort zone, could you let yourself use a tool like this and emerge into the photo gently rather than push yourself and make it all or nothing? Can you think of any other times you let yourself stretch into an experience, step by step and let yourself emerge gently?

I’m finding more and more, that the comfort zones in this project and in my life have been to stick to the routines I’ve become accustomed to. That feel safe. Eating a bag of Reese’s and a large popcorn feels safe. Buying another stuffed animal I don’t really have space for feels safe. Cleaning feels scary because it’s a path to something in life I don’t remember. But it feels more freeing than being stuck where I have been up to this point. I want to say I’ve experienced something like this before, but I haven’t.

62/365.

This was originally posted on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

#depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #windowcleaning #soulconfessions #tryingtogetbetter #selfie #subvertedselfie #instaselfie #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed