From September 1, 2022: I don’t think anyone noticed how I haven’t posted since August 1.
It’s now #September. Sunlight doesn’t stretch past 8pm & the official start of #fall creeps closer through the weeds in my yard.
It’s been almost a year since the #breakdown that landed me in the #hospital.
Almost a year since I felt the clasp of steel from the handcuffs cut into my wrists after I tried to take my own life.
Almost a year of feeling like I’ve barely done anything to get my life back. One #mindfulness reflection set the dominoes falling this week, so much so that I fear my soul can’t sustain another avalanche.
My insomnia is back & I fear telling my doctor because he’ll just tell me to just take those anti-anxiety meds that knock me out.
A friend has been in a hospital overseas & I tried telling them about the benefits of cultivating a mindfulness practice but I know I did so poorly.
I let another friend down yesterday & feel gutted by it. I’ve let them down a few times lately when they’ve reached out for help. I find my fight or fight kicks in but leans up hard against the flight. But in this instance I my words betrayed their trust in me. I know this as I haven’t heard from them since my stupid joke landed so badly almost 24 hours ago. I hate letting others down.
Last night I learned how a former classmates felt about me right here on Instagram. My intuition was right about it. I posted about this a few times earlier this year - about how I know there are lots who think I’m this horrible creepy guy. Funny thing is, I rarely even talked to this person but they said I made all the women feel creeped out... I do remember asking them to join me once for a screening of ET at the Orpheum Theatre, where John Williams’s epic score was being played live. They turned me down & I feel they thought I was asking them on a date date, when it was just asking them so I wouldn’t waste the extra ticket I had. I hate I come off creepy.
On Monday, I skipped out on seeing @MarianneWilliamson. Thankfully I was able to give my VIP ticket away. But being in a room full of people feels so overwhelming, which isn’t good as on-campus classes start next week.
244/365.
This was originally posted on Instagram.