Final Assignment - Applied Research Essay

I’m having so much trouble getting into this.

Let’s see.

When I see such a profoundly influential and respected man… a prolific wordsmith who spoke with such an authentic voice… a voice grounded in a deeply harrowing upbringing… a voice exploring his own unique experiences on the page… cutting across genres… cutting across mediums… shining a light on gut wrenchingly and horrific events that are so much more than just another issue… a man such as Richard Wagamese… whose best work was just starting to find an international audience… When I see such a man pass away, at what one today might consider to be a youthful age of just 61 years old, my heart breaks. I feel such a profound sadness for the loss of an individual like Wagamese, and as egotistical and grotesquely self-pitying as it might sound, I do catch myself wondering sometimes why the universe would take someone like him instead of somebody like me. Unaccomplished… stuck in school… stuck in life… socially awkward… alone. Stuck in a rut. A jack of all trades… but master of none. In short… a loser. Someone grasping at straws in the hope that someday he might be even just a sliver of the shadow of a man as great as Richard Wagamese was.

This is how I feel too often, deep in my bones.

And it’s not out of any kind of self-pitying, because as anecdotal as it sounds, I’ve found that when one feels an unnatural amount of self hatred… one that borders on the verge of a deep self loathing… one born from a lifelong battle with anxiety, major depressive disorder, and possibly even borderline personality disorder, one realizes that thoughts like this have nothing to do with any kind of desire to be pitied. I recently stumbled upon a brief clip from October 16, 2021, on the I WEIGH Instagram feed, where comedian Conan O’Brian described depression as being “…anger turned inward… anger at yourself… and when it’s at its worst, it’s rage directed at yourself” (I WEIGH), and I found that to be so accurate in terms of what I’ve felt for most of my life, which has always felt very far removed from the concept of looking to be pitied.

But then, the Monkey Mind piles on even more, as in many respects – “Steve, you’ve had a really good life. You’ve been provided for. You come from a really stable home… You weren’t ripped away from your home and your loved ones… your protectors… your family… your community… at a really young age like Wagamese was… forced into a dehumanizing Canadian foster home system, only to be adopted by a Presbyterian family who forbade any connection to his First Nations roots. “Grow up man. Grow a pair. Get over yourself.” These are the kind of thoughts that so often plague me.

And it’s not out of any kind of self-pitying, because as anecdotal as it sounds, I’ve found that when one feels an unnatural amount of self hatred… one that borders on the verge of a deep self loathing… one born from a lifelong battle with anxiety, major depressive disorder, and possibly even borderline personality disorder, one realizes that thoughts like this have nothing to do with any kind of desire to be pitied. I recently stumbled upon a brief clip from October 16, 2021, on the I WEIGH Instagram feed, where comedian Conan O’Brian described depression as being “…anger turned inward… anger at yourself… and when it’s at its worst, it’s rage directed at yourself” (I WEIGH), and I found that to be so accurate in terms of what I’ve felt for most of my life, which has always felt very far removed from the concept of looking to be pitied.

But then, the Monkey Mind piles on even more, as in many respects –

“Steve, you’ve had a really good life. You’ve been provided for. You come from a really stable home… You weren’t ripped away from your home and your loved ones… your protectors… your family… your community… at a really young age like Wagamese was… forced into a dehumanizing Canadian foster home system, only to be adopted by a Presbyterian family who forbade any connection to his First Nations roots. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Get over yourself.”

These are the kind of thoughts that so often plague me.

What is the Monkey Mind? Well, Natalie Goldberg, in her book Thunder and Lightning describes it as a kind of voice that exists in the ocean of everyone’s mind, when she explains how:

I never gained control of my mind—how do you dominate an ocean?—but I began to form a real relationship with it. Through writing and meditation I identified monkey mind, that constant critic, commentator, editor, general slug and pain-in-the-ass, the voice that says, “I can’t do this, I’m bored, I hate myself, I’m no good, I can’t sit still, who do I think I am?” I saw that most of my life had been spent following that voice as though it were God, telling me the real meaning of life—“Natalie, you can’t write shit”—when, in fact, it was a mechanical contraption that all human minds contain. Yes, even people with terrific, supportive parents are inhabited by this blabbing, resistant mouthpiece. But as I wrote longer, went deeper, I realized its true purpose: monkey mind is the guardian at the gate. We have to prove our mettle, our determination, stand up to its nagging, shrewish cry, before it surrenders the hidden jewels. And what are those jewels? Our own human core and heart, of course (Goldberg 20).

But having explained this, I do know that there are times when my negative self talk becomes especially cruel. And what confounds me though, is why I feel this intense self hatred so often… this self loathing… wrapped in self doubt… second guessing… confusion… poor decision making… and so much helplessness. And what confounds me even more is how my thoughts contrast so sharply with how so many others see me. Like my friend Alanna Millar, who said this about me earlier today when I was texting with her about a short identity and personality survey, which I asked my friends and acquaintances to complete. Specifically, she said, “I don’t know why the words kind, giving, selfless, involved, good listener, caring as fuck, and THOUGHTFUL (huge one) didn’t come up more” (Millar) when it came to describing who I was as a human being. And even as I screenshot her kind words for prosperity, I found myself staring at the screen, fighting that voice in the back of my mind that was just wanting to natter away at myself, finding every reason imaginable to discount the beautifully authentic words that she had just typed. She wasn’t hitting on me, as she’s in a committed relationship. She’s one of my best friends… and I knew she was speaking from the heart. But why can’t I accept her words as being accurate? Why do I struggle with the concept of self-love? Why does my Monkey Mind find it easier to harshly criticize myself to the point of paralysis instead of being kinder to myself, especially in those moments when I am struggling and feeling down? How can I work to reframe my negative self talk? Other friends in the same identity and personality survey, like my friend Kristina Alia Kearly, noted how I am “…incredibly hard on yourself” (Kearly), as did my friend Rhea Paez, who mentioned how I often demonstrate “…self doubt” and “self sabotage” (Paez). Finally, my beautiful half sister Rhea Clements described how my tendency towards negative self talk “…may reinforce repetitive (unhealthy) behaviours and patterns” (Clements).  So, we end with the question of who I am? The unlovable man my mind sees me as, or the caring man others see me as. That’s what I want to explore here.

Gary Zukav, in his book The Seat of the Soul, spends a lot of time exploring the concept of cultivating reverence for all life. Personally, I’ve used this as a starting point for my own worldview. Specifically, I often say how I am working to cultivate a pure, unconditional compassion, curiosity, forgiveness, gratitude, love, and reverence for all life, starting with myself. For Zukav:

Reverence is contact with the essence of each living thing and person and plant and bird and animal. It is contact with the interior of its beingness. Even if you cannot sense the interior, it is enough to know that the form, the shell, is merely an outer layer, and that underneath it the true power and essence of who a person is, or what a thing is, is present. That is what is honored in reverence (34).

Zukav also notes how:\

Reverence is an attitude of honoring Life. You do not have to be authentically empowered to be gentle with Life or to love Life … Reverence is also simply the experience of accepting that all Life is, in and of itself, of value (35).

I’ve loved this idea, it’s something I’ve been able to actualize in my life to a certain level of success, and it most definitely shows with how others described who I am. Friend and mentor, Joey Wargachuck described me as being “…empathically sensitive” (Wargachuck). Friend, Janny Sarmiento explained how I’m “…willing to help anyone and even give your last penny to help someone in need” (Sarmiento). She also said how she found me to embody “…kindness, pure kindness, never wanting anything in return.” Rhea Paez described me as being “…kind, generous” (Paez).

On May 6, 2022 I found the Values Centre website, which has a Personal Values Assessment, using the Barrett Seven Levels of Consciousness Model. The model notes how:\

Our values reflect what is important to us. They are a shorthand way of describing our individual motivations. Together with our beliefs, they are the causal factors that drive our decision making. (Barrett 2)

The model also describes how “Values can be positive or fear based (limiting)” (2). The assessment was simple enough… to chose which ten words best described you in that present moment. Specifically, I selected: “Caring, Compassion, Continuous Learning, Creativity, Emotional Awareness, Forgiveness, Making a Difference, Openness, Personal Growth, and Personal Image” (4). The website then examined my selections and created a report that discussed them. Specifically, it said:

From the values you selected it is clear that you seek to uncover more of your authentic self by looking to develop and grow. You are starting to overcome your anxieties and fears. Your values show:

·      Showing a deep sense of empathy, consideration and understanding for others allows you to move beyond hurt and pardon wrong doings;

·      A gift for thinking imaginatively and using your skills to produce new ideas help you to make positive change in the lives of others;

·      You seek to expand your knowledge and insights and are willing to reflect on your inner development;

·      Conserving the resources of the planet is a high priority for you and you are conscious of your impact on the world; and

·      You are receptive to others' contributions and demonstrate transparency through your actions and words.

The type of values you selected indicates that your individual capabilities and the connections you build with others are both important to you. From your choice of values you also demonstrate care for the greater good (environmental awareness, making a difference).

But the assessment also noted how my choice of self image as being important was a bit of a red flag. Specifically, it noted how:

You have selected one value which might be classed as potentially limiting or fear based:

·      Personal image: How you come across to others is important to you. Focusing on image alone can indicate that you question your capabilities and/or your ability to earn respect.

To what extent do you think that this affects the decisions you make and how others see you?

And to be honest, I felt this would be a red flag, as I know self image is related to the concept of the ego. For Zukav, the ego is the personality, which:

…is that part of you that was born into, lives within, and will die within time To be a human and to have a personality are the same thing. Your personality, like your body, is the vehicle of your evolution… Only the personality can feel anger, fear, hatred, vengeance, sorrow, shame, regret, indifference, frustration, cynicism, and loneliness. Only the personality can judge, manipulate, and exploit. Only the personality can pursue external power. The personality can also be loving, compassionate, and wise in its relations with others, but love, compassion, and wisdom do not come from the personality. They are experiences of the soul.

There is that confounding paradox again, only now it has a bit more definition for me. My self loathing, and self hatred are tied to the ego, and my personality, whereas the loving aspects of myself that others see represents my soul reaching out into the world. I do admit that I spend a lot of time worrying about what others think about me, to the point where this worrying too can pile onto my depression and smother my energy. But as I explore this, I’m discovering how it’s also a choice, especially considering the description of the personality as put forward by Zukav. But having said that, I also feel that part of my reason for selecting self image is ultimately tied of several of the symptoms related to borderline personality disorder, which include: a distorted self image, feelings of isolation and emptiness, as well as an intense fear of abandonment.

In his 2016 book, Embers: One Ojibway’s Meditations, Richard Wagamese presents the idea of self-acceptance. He talks about finding the balance between the darkness and light that one can feel inside, and the way he describes this paradox highlights a fundamental truth I know I need to work towards actualizing in my own life. Specifically, Wagamese notes how:

WHEN THERE’S a crack in my mirror, I can’t see myself as I am – all I see is the crack. The crack tells me that there is something wrong with me, that I’m not enough and that this is how others see me, too. It’s not a question of finding a better mirror. It’s about seeing beyond the crack. I am not, nor ever will be, perfect. But I don’t need to live for approval. I need to live for acceptance and joy in the unique, worthy, lovable, beautiful, sacred being that I am and to celebrate the same thing in others. That’s seeing beyond the crack. I’m learning to love my imperfections; in the end, they make me who I am, in all my flawed glory (Wagamese 118).

In thinking about this quote, my mind wanders to the word phrase, radical self acceptance, and Google shows me how this concept was developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, where, according to Namrata Singh, in her article The Pleasant Mind, described radical acceptance as being

…based on the thought process that reality should be accepted rather than fought against. It should be taken precisely for how it is rather than how you would like it to be (Singh).

Singh continues, highlighting how:

…many of us often lose control over our thoughts and feelings, especially when life turns hard on us. However, one must remember that things won’t stay the same way forever. You can change your circumstances and your reality.

One way of leaning into this kind of change that both Singh and Zukav highlight, is by utilizing the adaptive cycle, as described by Kate Sutherland in her book We Can Do This!, where Sutherland describes this process as calling on:

…us to have courageous conversations. By offering a simple, powerful, and big picture way to name what is, it helps… open space for facing tough issues and making bold choices… (as the) framework shows the cost of denial and avoidance, and encourages us to embrace change, to value small-scale experimentation, and to be ready to seize opportunities (Sutherland 72).

But the problem for me has been, that these choices aren’t always very easy for me to make, and my ability to stick with the implementation of solutions, such as reframing the dialogue that goes on in my mind, has been slow and difficult. What scares me further was the following quote, from a July 2017 video posted on the Bite Sized Philosophy YouTube feed called Jordan Peterson – Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), where Dr. Peterson describes how:

One of the things that’s interesting about people with Borderline Personality Disorder in my experience, is that they’re often quite intelligent and you see in the person with BPD something like the waste or squandering of tremendous potential. They seem capable of thinking through the nature of their problems, and analyzing them and discussing them, but not capable whatsoever of implementing any solutions… And… the Borderline seems to be able to strategize, and to abstract, but not to be able to implement (BiteSize Philosophy).

And while this quote terrifies me, I know I can sit with it, and I know that I can make change, even if it’s just one very small step each day. But having said that, there’s a point after this where Dr. Peterson also describes the temper tantrums that person with BPD can throw. When I reach those places of what O’Brian referenced above as being a rage turned inward, I can have horrible meltdowns, where I engage in heated arguments with those closest to me, and in my case, that’s often with my Mom. I can end up saying the most horrible things, and it’s worse because my Mom isn’t one to back down from an argument and we also know how to push each other’s buttons when it comes to saying emotionally damaging shit. And… there have been times when I can engage in hitting myself, as hard as I can, with the palms of my hands… and with my fists. Sometimes, I’ll put a pillow over my face as that lets me hit myself harder, because I’ve noticed I can suffer a block where a part of my mind is trying not to hit myself, and it lowers the intensity or strength behind each slap or blow. More recently, I’ve taken to trying to hit myself with objects. I slammed my head against the plastic lid of a large Rubbermaid box, and it resulted in the breaking of the lid. Finally, there are times when I try to take too many of my pills that have been subscribed to me for my depression, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. Somehow though, I always manage to not take enough – and I am grateful for that. But one shining example of my ability to implement change has been in how I tackled this semester by working out a plan to save it and implementing it so that I was able to complete three of my five classes. Even though my essay is now a bit late, and I might not be able to even get credit for it, I have worked hard on getting it done.

Building upon ways to help quiet the moments of more intense anger, I really appreciated the handout called An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication. I have been trying to do this, especially in moments when I’ve been in an argument with my Mom. I have found myself asking after I say something without thinking, things such as  – “why did you say that? Be nicer to Mum, what is she wanting you to do in this moment that’s making you upset?” The information here was like the information provided by marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw in her online workshop on empathic listening, where she describes as empathic listening as:

…a communication tool that helps us to create more intimacy and safety with the people we care about, which helps us to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling on a deeper level; and to avoid miscommunication by slowing down and truly getting to the essence of what the other person is saying (Earnshaw).

In this case, listening to myself, and becoming more emotionally aware of how I’m reacting to things would be another tool that would help me to better understand and deal with my negative self talk. Nonviolent Communication too is a process that is about “…creating connection and understanding,” as well as guiding “…consciousness to new awareness” (NVC).

One other aspect tied to implementing a radical self acceptance for me has been found in the power of meditation. Kim Haxton, in a 2018 interview that appears on the UBC Learning Circle YouTube feed, describes how:

…it can be tricky, our mind and the patterns that we are stuck in, and our responses to feeling accosted… that stops me from really being able to be present… where we need to connect with ourselves before we can connect with each other (UBC).

In this video, Haxton also leads those who are watching through a guided meditation, one that helped to really ground me in the moment, and calm feelings of overwhelm that I’ve been experiencing as I try to finish this reflective essay. So, meditation, is another tool in my toolbox that I can use to help quiet my mind and look at my thoughts nonjudgmentally.

In April 2020, I was inspired to create a photo piece based on a piece I saw made by Sedona Jamieson in the UK, which itself was based on a campaign organized by the I Weigh Instagram feed. Specifically, the awareness campaign encouraged followers to document their journeys of growth and personal acceptance by:

·      Choosing an unedited photo of themselves;

·      Using Instagram, Tik Tok, pen and paper, Canva, or another editing tool;

·      Writing things that you value about yourself on top of the image – positive attributes that have nothing to do with your appearance; and

·      Sharing using #iweigh and tag @i_weigh.

I tweaked this by using the various descriptions that others had used to describe my identity and personality in late 2019, and placing them onto my selfie, to create the following image:

And given I had just done a revised survey, I decided to create the following new image as part of the creative component tied to this reflection:

The creation of this image was important for me because it helped me to spend more time with the ways in which others see me as. It’s so easy to glance over the responses, plop them into a table and a blog post and then forget about them. But as you create an image like this, you’re forced to look at the various words for a longer period of time. There are some negative realities expressed on this image, but overall the various words are overwhelming positive about myself and they provide an opportunity for reflection, and consideration. An opportunity for me to be more kind and gentle with myself.

I opened this personal reflection by highlighting the importance author Richard Wagamese holds. And I wanted to close by citing one poignant quote Wagamese made. In her March 24, 2017 obituary column for The Globe & Mail, Marsha Lederman quotes Wagamese as having said the following on his Facebook page in November 2016. For me, the quote serves to remind me of the quiet understanding that can be achieved through the cultivation of a more meditative and nonjudgmental approach to life. Specifically, Wagamese describes how:

Actions born of contemplation are wiser than those made in quiet desperation. If all that's true, and I feel it is, then I have grown some in these 61 years. I have learned and become a better person. And from that maybe it's the years ahead that will be the richest of my life. A quiet man moving forward, gladly beyond all expectation (Lederman).

 This is something I really want to actualize as I move forward. I want to be able to calm the ocean of my mind, as Goldberg describes it, so my decisions in life are born of that contemplation Wagamese describes. 

Works Cited

Basileia LLC. “An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication.” The Centre for Nonviolent Communication, Charlottesville, 2007.

Bite-Sized Philosophy. “Jordan Peterson – Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).” YouTube, 27 Jul 2017.

Clements, Rhea. Instagram message to author. 08 May 2022.\

Earnshaw, Elizabeth. “The Power of Empathic Listening” Love Lessons 365.

Goldberg, Natalie. Thunder & Lightning: Cracking Open the Writers Craft. Road Integrated Media, 2000.

I WEIGH (@i_weigh). “Conan O’Brian on the #iweighpodcast with Jameela Jamil.” Instagram, 16 Oct 2021. www.instagram.com/p/CVGXbn5gXuF/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Lederman, Marsha. “Ojibway author Richard Wagamese found salvation in stories.” The Globe and Mail. 24 Mar 2017. www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/ojibway-author-richard-wagamese-found-salvation-in-stories/article34422836/

Kearly, Kristina Alia. Messenger message to author. 09 May 2022.

Lederman, Marsha. Ojibway author Richard Wagamese found salvation in stories. The Globe and Mail, 24 Mar 2017. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/ojibway-author-richard-wagamese-found-salvation-in-stories/article34422836/ 

Millar, Alanna. Snapchat message to author. 15 May 2022.

Paez, Rhea. Instagram message to author. 10 May 2022.

Singh, Namrata. What is Radical Self Acceptance? How to Fully Embrace Yourself. The Pleasant Mind, 17 Mar 2022. https://thepleasantmind.com/radical-acceptance/

Sutherland, Kate. We Can Do This! 10 Tools to Unleash Our Collective Genius. Vancouver, Incite Press, 2017.

UBC Learning Circle. “Connect to Self with Kim Haxton from IndigenEYEZ.” YouTube, 5 Oct 2018.

Wagamese, Richard. Embers: One Ojibway’s Meditations. Madeira Park, Douglas & McIntyre, 2016.

Zukav, Gary. The Seat of the Soul: 25th Anniversary Edition. New York, Simon & Schuster, 2014.

PDF > essay

Instructor Feedback

“Your submissions were wide-ranging, creative, honest, expressive as well as carried many rich insights, personal and societal, emotional and spiritual. There was enough there to also count toward Assignment#3 and the individual presentation. These are thus considered complete. Thus, the only component missing is the final applied research paper/portfolio worth 18 marks. You received a high A/cusp of A+ overall for 82% of the course, which makes your current grade in IDEA 3302 a B.” - Dr Rajdeep Gill, April 25, 2022

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Final Grade for IDEA 3302…

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— End of Course —

Assignment 03a - Awareness Survey on Personality & Identity with Reflection

Complete Field Study listed on p.38/39 of Jeffrey A. Kottler and Matt Englar-Carlson, Learning Group Leadership: An Experiential Approach. Sage, Third Edition, 2015, (exert below). After completing field study, reflect on the content of your interviews in the spirit of deepening your self-awareness and group leadership. Contemplate on appreciative ways of building on your passions and strengths as well as the transformative possibilities your areas of challenge offer.

2019 Identity & Personality Inquiry…

In 2019, while taking a Coursera workshop called Modern Art & Ideas, I was inspired by the work of artist Glenn Ligon, who, in 1993 asked ten friends how they saw him, instructing his friends to imagine that he’d gone missing and they were describing him as a missing person. Ligon then used those descriptions and printed them beneath 19th century images of slaves. So, I decided to play with the formal aspects of this idea in light of my own depression and insecurities about my sense of self, by asking several friends to identify three aspects of my identity, one aspect of my personality and to also describe me as if I was missing and they were helping to create my missing poster. I probably asked about forty friends, and got the following ten responses:

It was interesting to see which terms came up again and again across the various responses. Artistic and Funny were the top responses. And there were at least a dozen words related to the terminology of being kind and compassionate. Here’s a more detailed compilation:

Around that same time, I had made a post on Facebook that spoke in broad strokes about some personal issues I was having at the time. I got a lot of responses to that post, as follows:

• You're a good guy, I hope you feel better soon and have a good week. Never mind those who disappear, enjoy the presence of those who stay. 😁

• Huh?! You are the opposite of creepy. You are a wonderful person, kind, gentle hearted and warm.

• I can relate to a lot of the qualities you say you carry. I am also sensitive about people liking me so i get it. You’re a kind and caring, generous person. Be yourself and don’t worry bout it. Sometimes people have different things going on and all you can do is say, hey, I’m here if you wanna talk about it, and then let it go, cause we can’t force others and sometimes people just need some space anyway. Keep doin you and focus on the things that make you happy peace and gratitude to you.

• Get better soon, Steve. And don’t worry about what others think of you. Be yourself! You are a good person with a heart of gold and a great sense of humour. Be confident in the knowledge that you’re living a good life and those that matter love you.

• I don’t find you put creepy energy out into the world at all. I found at Kwantlen for you to be one of the easiest people to approach and put out very funny, kind energy. It’s better to be a unique person. You’re not boring and like a carbon copy robot. The things that make you unique are special and definitely embrace it. It’s not easy though. I often worry if people like me or are annoyed by me because I can be a bit much sometimes. I think we all have self doubts and can get self conscious for sure.

• One of the greatest things you can give yourself is to be okay with people's unpredictability and erratic behaviour - ie: have no expectations. Also more importantly: don't trust their judgement - ie: don't trust their opinions. Some people have extreme guards up because of trauma and as a result, are scared off by things that aren't typical - ex: off-humour and off-appearances. It's none of my business what their trauma is, nor do I pay it much attention. & A lot of people are extremely slow to warm up to others, you and I aren't some of them, but alas. A harsh reality is that no one owes you anything. =/ I wish I would've told my younger self to not get too involved with anyone and to just let friendships come and go and not have any expectations.

• I remember you at Semiahmoo Secondary as being the kid who was different, but comfortably so. If you ever feel like taking a break from the "big city," let me know and come out to Hope and just chill out. I run a B and B, but my friends are FREE.

When I read what others say about me, I admit that I don’t always believe in it. My Monkey Mind has a tendency to focus on the worst of what people say about me, or to worry when someone was silent by not responding to my request to do the survey. In those cases, my mind wonders, “…why didn’t they respond? Do they have particularly harsh things to say about me that they’re afraid to tell me? Clearly they don’t like you Steven.”

April 2020 Photographic Composition

In April 2020, I was inspired to create a photo piece based on a piece I saw made by Sedona Jamieson in the UK, which itself was based on a campaign organized by I Weigh.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sedona Jamieson (@ssedonaa)

Specifically, the awareness campaign encouraged followers to document their journeys of growth and personal acceptance by:

• Choosing an unedited photo of themselves;

• Using Instagram, Tik Tok, pen and paper, Canva, or another editing tool;

• Writing things that you value about yourself on top of the image – positive attributes that have nothing to do with your appearance; and

• Sharing using #iweigh and tag @i_weigh.

I tweaked this by using the various descriptions that others had used to describe my identity and personality, and placing them onto my selfie, to create the following image:

The exercise of creating this image was really uplifting, and I was actually proud to share it widely. Neville Goddard once said how “The world is a mirror, reflecting what you are doing, within yourself.” As such, my rational mind knows that it must follow that if the world can see me in a positive light, I should be able to as well. But this hasn’t always been the case. Ultimately, I know I need to commit to reframing how I think about myself.

2022 Identity & Personality Inquiry…

In response to this assignment, I started by talking to a close friend of mine who lives in Europe. She was the first person I reached out to about exploring my interpersonal strengths and weaknesses this year, because I trusted her. I was able to talk to her about how I could approach this kind of project again, given my inclination towards shyness. She is someone I’ve known since 2020. We met through a Facebook group we were both a part of, and she eventually said this about my strengths, choosing to focus on my communication style, as we chat almost daily over text messaging:

Your strengths and weaknesses as a communicator... I'd say your strong suit is being expressive and knowledgeable. You are well read and that shows in the way you express yourself. Your opinions are pertinent and you always give arguments and/or quote your sources. You also have a great sense of humour and that adds to it.. a lot. You're open-minded and you love to learn and grow and that is also quite obvious every time you communicate your ideas. You are a positive presence and give off beautiful vibes. So even if, say, what you try to convey is not on the happy side, you do it respectfully and in a positive way.

In terms of my interpersonal weaknesses she said:

As your weaknesses… well, hope you don’t mind me being completely honest… I think I have those weaknesses too but let me explain.. I think it's sometimes jumping from one topic/idea to another. I' m not talking about your written pieces, as those are well-organized and you put so much thought and effort into them. I mean, your interactions.. Ours. You want to say a lot and I sometimes lose you because there's a lot to process. You pour your heart out. That's not bad, but it gets hard to follow at times. Another thing I' d like to mention, and again, I apologize for being blunt, is the way you monopolize the conversation at times.. I mean, I would like to be able to say more. That's all and I hope it'll help.

She also said this though, “Please don't change a thing about the way you interact with me. I appreciate you and our connection so much.” She feared I’d be upset by what she had said, even though I admitted I always feared I monopolized our conversations too much. I know I let her down this year, due to my depression at one point I feel I felt triggered, in general and not because of anything she said or did – and I ended up pulling back from our friendship. I didn’t respond to her for several months — I basically ghosted her. At one point I feared contacting her again, because I didn’t know how she would react. My Monkey Mind raced again – “She’ll crap on you. She’s so disappointed in you. She’ll never trust you again.” My mind thought this because this is a habit that I’ve fallen onto before – when I get overwhelmed, I pull back and don’t keep in touch. There’s been a few people I’ve let down by not talking to them for several years now. Over time, I’ve become aware of my need to pull back sometimes, and sometimes I am better at letting people know when I need some time alone. My feelings towards this today are also shaped by how I don’t like it when a message I’ve sent highlights how it has been “read,” but I hear nothing back. So it’s something I know I need to be more cognizant of. If I want to be heard, I need to listen better.

From my conversation with her, she touched on my monopolizing our conversation, and this is something that I know i have had a history of doing - going back to my days in the Kwantlen Student Association where I was able to get the Association to setup an online forum as a part of it’s website (this was just before the launch, or in the very early days of platforms like Facebook). Once setup though, I was overly enthusiastic about using it, and I know others felt I was monopolizing the platform by commenting on every post. More recently, a fellow classmate took my commenting on a few of her posts as me correcting her, and she took offence to that. This ties back to my friend who said I speak sometimes without thinking. It circles back to being more mindful. Am I being respectful of others who are authentically sharing? Am I really listening to what they have to say?

A former high school teacher of mine, provided some deeper insight. In terms of my strengths, he noted:Well read, can quote any fantasy book you name, loyal to those who can listen, cares, really cares about people, loves his Mum.

This response made me think more in depth, because I know I haven’t always been the best son. There have been times in my past where I’ve not been as open and honest with her as I could be. For a time I lied about my financial situation. My issues with overspending has also resulted in me accumulating way too much stuff – leading to issues with organizing both my place and my Mom’s and keeping them clean, organized and functional. And depression impacts the overspending, and my overall health which I’ve also kept hidden from my Mother a lot. But there gets to a point where you can’t hide these things anymore. It’s an area when I still need to work on. In terms of my weaknesses, my former teacher noted:

I must admit that I think you share too much. Instead of daily updates on your mental health, try weekly or monthly – I would read more carefully if there was less. I guess that it’s a symptom of OC disorder. I care so much that I can share this with you.

And he’s not wrong. Several of the responses you will see below highlight this concern. It’s something I’ve been cognizant of. Especially in regards to how much I share. I feel it does make some people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in that they don’t always know how to respond to it. Uncomfortable because we live in a society where we often keep things bottled up, especially in regards to issues such as depression. In terms of my subverted selfie project, I’ve always felt it was very important to be honest about how I feel everyday, as so many people’s instagram feeds are focussed on presenting a perfectly curated life – like a set of daily vacation style photos, that ignore the struggles people experience everyday. But I’ve always asked myself if what I’m posting is being authentic to how I’m feeling in that moment.

Another friend was also very forthright with her response to my query. Specifically, she described my personality as being:…you. You are interesting, knowledgeable without being pompous and annoying. You are kind, at a moments notice you are ready to do a friend a favor. (Like picking me up from the ferry!) not just little things. You genuinely care about the folks around you.

She also lovingly described some areas of weakness I could work on. Specifically, she said:

Your issues are more being too self-effacing and perhaps too retiring. You could be more ready to interrupt and add your 2 bits worth. You are concerned about your physical appearance, and that is totally unneeded, Stop that! You are fine. No you don’t look ‘exactly’ like folks around you and I was fascinated to learn your nationality – but you don’t need to apologize for those differences.

You are dealing with huge HUGE home issues and these are seriously damaging your life. I don’t know what to do about that. I totally understand and sympathize, I also was sole care of my Mom. But there needs to be a point where you say, “you need to be in a care place!” I don’t think she needs a hospital type place but she needs more company and you need your freedom. (I know, easier said that done!!)

In support of this exercise, I decided to send out my 2019 questionnaire again, where I also added a question about what people felt were my biggest interpersonal weaknesses. The results have been really good to receive, and the ones about my weaknesses have also been good to read and really help to expand upon the first three questions I asked back in 2019. The results are as follows:

Again, as I saw in 2019, there were several terms that came up repeatedly across the various responses. Kindness, as well as being honest, open and transparent were all top responses. And once again, there were at least a dozen words related to the terminology of being kind and compassionate.

It was interesting to see funny didn’t make the cut this time as strongly as it did in 2019, and it did come up once as a weakness in terms of not always thinking about what I’m going to say. I know that people I’ve interacted with in recent years, primarily online, haven’t really experienced my sense of humour. My humour shines when I’m around people I know and trust, as it can be a part of my easy going nature. Humour for me is important, as it helps keep things lighthearted. It was pointed out in the 2019 survey that I can often be seen wearing funny shirts and this is something I do very purposefully. It’s often a way of breaking the ice before someone even approaches me – it puts them into a better mood, which is helpful for me as an empath. I often can pick up on other people’s energy, and when I’m struggling with my own depression, taking on the negativity or insecurities of others around me can pull me down even more. Granted, though, I am well aware that my humour at times can know no bounds. It can be a strength and weakness of mine, and as such it’s something I’ve been more cognizant of in recent years, especially around people who don’t know me.

The following are some responses by followers of my Facebook and Instagram feed, to my various subverted selfie project posts (whose photos and captions were included in my creative chapbook I made for this course). They read as follows:

• I appreciate your transparency, many of us have a lot of work to do.

• Every day is a chance to start over Steve. How about telling yourself, just for today, I will do the best I can.

• My dude. I think you could use a change. Maybe travel to visit a friend somewhere. IDK. The description of your well-being sounds like some bad food habits that are coming due, but you could feel better in a few weeks of a different diet, and that would stick if you learned the habits to make it stick. I hope you feel better soon. You’ve paid your dues. It’s time to feel better.

• You aren’t a joke. You matter, and it takes a real set to be so honest.

• Why would you say you are a failure of a human being? Compared to what? Don’t be hard on yourself – there is enough crap in the world out there to do it to you. You are not a failure. I’d love to get down to 215 pounds! Depression is real, serious, and very, very common. You are not alone. Try and other doctor for another opinion / fresh eyes, and try to take each day one at a time.

• I don’t see a joke. I see someone who is giving more energy to punishing themselves than the original missed goal ever required. Forgive yourself. You’re not doing anything different than most other people. The only difference is that we forgive ourselves.

• Have you ever been looked at for ADHD, by any chance? I had a late life diagnosis, and learned that the symptoms we think are associated with it are often a common misconception. The most common symptoms include getting stuck, not being able to get things done, and not understanding why (and therefore, often feeling like a failure and / or lazy which can lead to depression and exacerbate existing symptoms). It’s just something to consider exploring if you haven’t before.

• The mind is very powerful. Start with cutting half of your sugar intake, some exercise like going for a walk and meditation and yoga. Increase your water intake. You know these are healthy and even when you do not want to do it, push and do it. I definitely suggest weekly counselling, having a professional to talk to is very helpful for sure. I use essential oils for my mental health, if you need some info send me a PM. Writing negative things will not help. Perhaps if you want to vent you can write how you feel and turn it into something positive at the end. “The day is not finished, let’s now get up and have a shower, I will start the day again… tomorrow is a new day, I will do 1% better.” I wish you well.

• Steve, I have not seen you for many years, but always found you to be a kind, considerate, and smart man. Periods of self doubt, and also of disassociation from others is a sign that you need to have some sort of radical change in life. Over the years, a good friend of mine took a walk down along East Hastings.

• Accept where you are, love where you are.

• Dude – good job. Cleaning when in the depression trenches is no joke! Do something nice for yourself.

• I love how you write. I wish you success and self love.

• The expectations we impose on ourselves, that we perceive to be imposed by others, can be brutal and suffocating.

• There is no such thing as a failure. We are all on a journey and sometimes that journey is so hard. But those hard times do not last forever. We learn form each decision. The “failures” are where we learn our best lessons. Were we make our largest leaps in growth and knowledge, but that takes time. Hugs my friend. Be kind to yourself.

• True, knowing what you should do and being able to do it are different planets. But we are what we have practiced. That can be depressing or cause for optimism.

• Tackle things one step at a time. Looking at everything like that is too overwhelming.

• Steven, know that all those thoughts of self hate and no self worth is the depression talking. It isn’t you. I know this because I went through it and now I’m out of it, and can see my previous thoughts while I was depressed as depression talking, not actually you.

• We all have our flaws. We’re all not perfect. You’re stronger than you can even imagine for noticing these tendencies which you may exhibit and that is 90% of change for life wellness. Also, you might be blowing things up bigger than they may really be. It happens to me sometimes, happens to the best of us.

• Hey Steven, I definitely resonate with this. I’ve noticed a lot of negative traits myself when I look up articles, but many of them come from trying to survive in a pretty toxic environment growing up. Trauma, especially when it started early in life, can have us display lots of unhealthy traits, and in my experience none of these pop psychology articles take trauma into account. It’s a big blind spot for our culture and so many articles take a lot of these things to extremes and label people with some disorder without any empathy for their experience. Most “evil” or toxic people in my opinion have had trauma and have maladaptive behaviours to deal with life which usually started at an early age. I don’t really believe most people are evil but we can easily react to these things and think it means where horrible people, but these articles are made to get clicks and what better way to do that then post to a really scary title to trigger us? I find that working on my inner issues like trauma gets me moving in the right direction, and no longer paying attention to the extreme articles out there. People with trauma will often have very negative beliefs of her themselves and think they are bad people so it can be all too easy to look at a negative article music as evidence to “confirm” I believe about ourselves. I hope this helps and just know you’re not alone. I do the same thing every time I read any article, like a hypochondriac. I just need to let some of that stuff go, and not give it as much attention. Remember that you’re a good person and you will find evidence of it.

• Steve, next time you stumble across a video that suggests to have the goods on anyone topic, give it a skip or take it as entertainment. The fact that you have a sense of remorse pretty much crushes off being a sociopath. That said, in my personal experience you were out of the running for Ivo. If you see you could shape up and fly right, then heading that direction. Call my phone built in a day. Baby steps. Then get back taking photos, especially in nature spaces, to walk in the fresh air will always put you in a better state of mind. Nature is healing and brings us to a better place. It’s about balance.

• Hopefully will continue to get stronger in the new year! Loving yourself for who you are as the most important first step. You are so gifted in so many ways. Use those gifts to show yourself you can do this! No one is perfect! Everyone always find something to criticize them selves about. Dwell on your strengths as a caring, loving person who tries to help others.

• You are a fabulous writer and have a gift.

With many of these responses, I admit that I didn’t always take the time to respond to each person. I’ve found this is the case because often I post something but the process of just writing one of my subverted selfies can be draining sometimes and I don’t have the energy to go back right away and read the various comments. So as I compiled the above list, I made it a point to respond to most of the comments, thanking the individuals who left the comments and explaining why I sometimes ghost the comments sections of my posts. This is definitely another weakness of mine – I believe in the power that social media can have in terms of providing a vehicle by which people can discuss important issues, but then I don’t often show up fully when I post my own content. It’s not like I’m super famous on social media either… so the numbers of people who interact with my posts isn’t very high.

From these comments too, I know too that I really need to work on my mindfulness practice. My emotional awareness is often very acute and accurate. I definitely am aware of how I feel, moment to moment, for most of the time during each and every day I’m fortunate enough to walk upon this planet. Where I falter is in looking at what I feel with a bit of reserved detachment - that is, I fail to look at how I feel with a non-judgmental eye. I’m always so quick to judge myself, often harshly. Conan O’Brian, in a clip posted on the i-Weigh instagram page, described “…depression as being anger turned inward.” Or in more extreme cases, “rage turned inward.” And I know I need to stop turning my own anger towards myself. I need to find ways to positively release it, so I don’t dwell on it, and so that I don’t let it continue to hurt myself or others in my life.

Instructor Feedback

“Your submissions were wide-ranging, creative, honest, expressive as well as carried many rich insights, personal and societal, emotional and spiritual. There was enough there to also count toward Assignment#3 and the individual presentation. These are thus considered complete. Thus, the only component missing is the final applied research paper/portfolio worth 18 marks. You received a high A/cusp of A+ overall for 82% of the course, which makes your current grade in IDEA 3302 a B.” - Dr. Rajdeep Gill, April 25, 2022

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— End of Assignment 03a —

Bonus Assignment - Creative Inspiration Adventure

Seeing so many of the pieces that formed RISING at Yoko Ono’s show at the Vancouver Art Gallery cut deeply into my soul, leaving me choking back tears, and leading me to again ask why so many people are so utterly cruel. It was maybe the most difficult Artist’s Date I’ve had in a long time.

I say Artist’s Date as it has a very specific reference to a concept first developed and explored by Julia Cameron, in her book, The Artist’s Way, which, for me relates as a exists as a means of defining a creative inspiration adventure. And it’s how I’ve often approached going to an art gallery. Specifically, Cameron describes how:

“An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers. You do not take anyone on this artist date but you and your inner artist…”

Stepping into the Feeling of a Voyeur

It felt oddly ironic, or maybe even irresponsible to have just sat a few moments earlier watching CUT PIECE (1964), blown up so big on the gallery wall, watching it play through several times. This was the first time I had watched CUT PIECE in either a non-classroom setting with other fine art students, or later, by myself on a display that wasn’t larger than say the thirty-two inches of my computer screen, or on the small screen of my iPhone. Ono too, is very familiar with the various kinds of displays and technologies that exist, as her video art was projected, displayed on televisions, and one even involved an older iPhone.

In CUT PIECE, one guy has always stood out for me in Ono’s participatory performance artwork. He was young, maybe in his late 20s or early 30s. I feel like he could be some kind of investment banker, maybe working on Wall Street. Like all of the men and women who came up onto the stage, he was stylish, wearing a nice, crisp white buttoned up dress shirt, and dark, pressed chinos or slacks (dress pants). He went back up onto the stage at least two times, and he was eventually bold enough to actually cut the clothing that salt closest to Ono’s naked skin. Close to her stomach. Close to her breasts, to the point where he even cut the straps of her slip, and then her bra. Ono caught the bra, holding it close to her body, so as not to completely let the clothing fall to reveal her breasts, and to possibly prevent him from claiming it as a prize. But she was so vulnerable in that moment. While he was so in control, smiling as he cut and talked to people we couldn’t see. The camera moved all around Ono, and you could also see still photographers snapping away, usually directly opposite to where the video cameraman was positioned. Recording it for posterity. There are some who argue that a performance piece like this loses its power when it’s watched as a recording. But to me this black and white recording is still powerful, almost sixty years later.

I kept thinking of how it felt wrong to be watching CUT PIECE, which was so intimate and vulnerable. with Ono as the centre of the piece. She didn’t really engage anyone who came to cut pieces off of her clothing with rather large scissors. She often looked away, rarely making eye contact. At times, Ono had tears welling up in her eyes. Having taken first aid and even sculpturing courses we were taught to always move scissors that were close to the body away from say the face or chin. So it was difficult watching people cut in directions I was taught to avoid. There were times when a part of me wanted to shout out to the various men and women on the big screen, “to cut in the opposite direction for fucks sake!” But you don’t shout it, you sit there, keeping an uncomfortable personal silence. Like a voyeur perhaps. Declarative statement: as a man, I shouldn’t have watched. One more: as a man, there was nothing I could do, as I was watching a moment in history that had been recorded to be displayed on the walls of art galleries.

Although I wasn’t restrained or forced to watch, the image of Malcom McDowel as Alex in director Stanley Kubrick’s 1971 film, A CLOCKWORK ORANGE came to mind as I sat there. I wasn’t yet crying on the outside, but I can imagine some people’s reaction to this work overtime probably evoked the kind of terror that is highlighted by Kubrick’s vision – terrified, shocked, and with a tear streaming down his cheek. But upon watching CUT PIECE again for this write up, I noticed how the audience was at times even laughing as the performance continued. I’d like to think it was a kind of defensive laughter, but it didn’t really feel like that. At one point, when the man I mentioned above cut her bra straps, someone in the audience can be heard exclaiming, “stop him!” But no one did, and the performance continued.

Re-enacting & Reinterpreting Performance Based Artworks

I’ve seen CUT PIECE re-enacted by other female and even male artists. But they weren’t as powerful. In some videos, the settings, were too clean. The old hardwood flooring of the stage Ono sat on appeared very haggard and was far from pristine, it felt like you shouldn’t be there. And while I can admire male artists re-enacting difficult pieces, the few I’ve seen don’t pack any punch, and I think that’s because this piece is so rooted in critiquing patriarchal structures, such as the objectification of women, as well as exploring the concept of the male gaze (although that specific term wouldn’t come into existence until almost eight years after the first performance of CUT PIECE), which are issues males don’t really face on a day to day basis. Another large issue for me is the fact that Ono is of Asian descent, which evokes ideas about how Asian women can be fetishized, something that doesn’t exist for individuals of Caucasian descent who performed the piece (although when women perform this, it’s still more powerful than when men reenact it). One final critique of these re-enactments is that, from the ones I’ve found on YouTube, those who post clips of these reenactments often overlay some kind of soundtrack, and they also speed up the footage so it goes by more quickly. On the pieces that did this, I offered comment that they should consider not doing these thing, as part of the power of the original piece was watching it play out in real time, creating more tension in the mind of the viewer. This isn’t to say that Ono didn’t manipulate time, but instead of speeding up the footage, she would utilize jump cuts to edit out more mundane things like people walking onto and off of the stage.

In spending time with CUT PIECE, I also reflected on the parallels between it and Marina Abramovic’s RHYTHM 0, performed a decade later in 1974. Abramovic’ s work used 72 objects that could be used on Abramovic in any way as a participant desired. According to the Tate website, the objects included:

“gun, bullet, blue paint, comb, bell, whip, lipstick, pocket knife, fork, perfume, spoon, cotton, flowers, matches, rose, candle, mirror, drinking glass, polaroid camera, feather, chains, nails, needle, safety pin, hairpin, brush, bandage, red paint, white paint, scissors, pen, book, sheet of white paper, kitchen knife, hammer, saw, piece of wood, ax, stick, bone of lamb, newspaper, bread, wine, honey, salt, sugar, soap, cake, metal spear, box of razor blades, dish, flute, Band Aid, alcohol, medal, coat, shoes, chair, leather strings, yarn, wire, sulphur, grapes, olive oil, water, hat, metal pipe, rosemary branch, scarf, handkerchief, scalpel, apple”

The Tate website’s description of the piece also noted how:

“…for a period of six hours, visitors were invited to use any of the objects on the table on the artist, who subjected herself to their treatment. The artist has stated, ‘the experience I drew from this work was that in your own performances you can go very far, but if you leave decisions to the public, you can be killed’ (quoted in Ward 2009, p.132).”

So, the similarities between the two pieces appears to be clear, but Abramovic expanded upon Ono’s work in terms of the duration and length of the performance, as well as in regards to the much wider variety of tools made available for audience members to use. Art Critic Frazer Ward, in his book NO INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: PERFROMANCE ART AND AUDIENCE, was present for the performance, described how:

“It began tamely. Someone turned her around. Someone thrust her arms into the air. Someone touched her somewhat intimately. The Neapolitan night began to heat up. In the third hour all her clothes were cut from her with razor blades. In the fourth hour the same blades began to explore her skin. Her throat was slashed so someone could suck her blood. Various minor sexual assaults were carried out on her body. She was so committed to the piece that she would not have resisted rape or murder. Faced with her abdication of will, with its implied collapse of human psychology, a protective group began to define itself in the audience. When a loaded gun was thrust to Marina's head and her own finger was being worked around the trigger, a fight broke out between the audience factions."

Interacting With & Reflecting on Performance & Video Based Artworks

I can’t say this surprised me, but in looking up the short film FLY online, it’s Internet Movie Database rating is only 4.4 / 10. By contrast, CUT PIECE has 6.5 / 10 on the same website. I wasn’t surprised by these ratings because these two works aren’t traditional films, they are avant-garde pieces of video art. The camera lenses in each of these films cover difficult and untraditional subjects, and the resulting images that are in no way easy to consume. There is also no overall traditional narrative to any of these video works, but there are many metaphors that can be found buried within the images that make up these pieces.

People watched CUT PIECE for a much longer time than they did FLY. FLY was more than double the length of CUT PIECE, running at approximately 25 minutes to CUT PIECE’S 9 minutes. More people spent time watching CUT PIECE. They sat with it and watched it for longer periods of time than they did other works. I found it interesting how people would watch FLY for a bit and then read the description on the wall before walking away. Only one other piece was longer, BOTTOMS (1966), which ran at approximately 80 minutes. I didn’t watch this one for its entire length, only a few seconds really, as I was cognizant that I wouldn’t have had enough time to wander through the entire show if I did watch all of it, as the gallery was closing at 8pm that night, and I had arrived around 6:30pm. In an activity posted online for kids visiting the J. Paul Getty Museum in California, it’s noted how: “Researchers in museums have found that 30 seconds is the average amount of time visitors spend in front of works of art.” And from my anecdotal evidence, of a few short videos I shot of people interacting with FLY, this definitely seems to be the case. But it also seemed dependent on what part of the film a viewer saw when they approached. If it was a more abstracted view of the body, or a part of the body such as a closeup of the face, people stayed with it. They moved away from it if it showed a breast, and especially when it showed a vulva.

Thinking About Flies

Specifically, FLY opens with a fly crawling across a white surface, and then up alongside the leg of the woman, before eventually flying up a bit to land on the leg, the camera up so close that at first one wasn’t sure what they were seeing. Was it a leg? A foot? Toes? Ono’s camera moved from tight shots of the body to wider shots. At times, parts of the body were very abstracted, and held a quiet beauty. Some shots were like watching the landscape of a desert, with all of its desolation expanding out towards a far off horizon line. At other times, one was very aware of what Ono’s camera was looking at. Be that a shot taken with the camera on the bed, between the woman’s legs, looking directly at a single housefly crawling over her vulva, and even disappearing briefly between the woman’s labia majora before coming back out again. It was definitely uncomfortable to watch, even as an artist who has consumed imagery like this before. I say Ono’s camera, but I’m forgetting that the film is also directed by her husband, John Lennon, so it’s difficult to say who directed the placement of every single shot, although I assume there was a lot of agreed upon decisions made by this husband and wife team in the making of their film.

At first, I thought the subject on the bed was Ono herself, as she was the prominent figure in CUT PIECE and FREEDOM. But the credits for the short film revealed that the figure was Virginia Lust. With a name like that I actually thought she might have been a porn actress. There’s little to no information about her that comes up on a simple Google search. IMDb lists her as an actress, and there is a single entry for a gallery director who ran her own gallery in New York City during the same time that Ono was working in the city as an artist. So it’s entirely possible that the gallery director and publicist was the same person who appeared in Ono and Lennon’s film. Knowing who the figure is definitely changes the meaning of the piece for me, especially as a male viewer. Or maybe not… ultimately, it’s still a woman, a solitary and nameless figure as you don’t learn her name until the film’s end credits. It could be any woman at the end of the day, and the way she didn’t move, the way she just laid on her back, it was like she had been tossed aside, perhaps a sex doll of sorts, not being used, not even waiting to be used again, just lying there. Just another object for flies to land on. Eventually, Ono’s camera moves up away from the body it spends the majority of the piece focussed on, to move towards a nearby window, to the blue cast sky of the lonely rooftop that sat across from the window.

Reflections on Sound

There was sound to FLY, but given the film was being played on a small television, it was difficult to hear the work. When one worked to listen, they heard almost cartoonish and comical sounds of a person imitating the sounds flies made. But one particular piece, PAINTING TO HAMMER A NAIL, originally shown in 1966, made it very difficult to listen to the surrounding video pieces. NAIL invited viewers to to literally pound nails into a large wooden, white gessoed panel. The hammering of nails by so many guests was almost nonstop, and it formed a part of the gallery’s soundscape as soon as one entered the exhibition space. It was definitely unsettling and off putting. And at first, I didn’t know where this noise was coming from, or how it was produced. As I watched CUT PIECE, my mind did wonder where the noise was coming from and I actually assumed it was the soundtrack of another ONO video playing in the next area of the gallery. I definitely did not think that it was from actual gallery goers interacting with another artwork.

But it’s so important to note how the sound of nails being hammered absolutely dominated the soundscape of the gallery, making it difficult to fully experience pieces like FLY. The sound of nails being pounded into the wooden canvas was loud and sharp, moving across the higher end of the decibel scale. The sound of the atmosphere created by the sound of the hammer hitting nails reminded me of the climatic scene of the 1997 Paul Thomas Anderson film, BOOGIE NIGHTS, where the central characters visit the house of a drug dealer, where an unnamed Asian fellow was setting off small firecrackers. That action really heightened the tension in the scene, in a way that I’ll never forget. And for me, the nails being hammered into the wooden panel exists at a similar level of providing discomfort – it kept me on my toes as I moved through that area of the gallery, it didn’t let me settle into watching or interacting with any of the pieces in that immediate area. Oddly enough, the only time when I felt present in that immediate area, was when I was hammering the nails myself. I channeled the 1986 film THE KARATE KID 2, where Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) teaches his student Daniel (Ralph Macchio) about finding balance and presence through breathing, which allowed him to strike a nail and pound it into a two by four with a single blow. I’m proud to say I was able to strike three nails in the Ono piece in this exact manner.

Lightening things up

Of course, not all of the works in this immediate area were as dour as FLY or CUT PIECE. Many works were much more lighthearted. INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE which Ono started in 1955 again provided a more immediate chance for interaction between viewers and the artworks in the gallery setting. Specifically, the Vancouver Art Gallery described the works that it displayed as THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR YOKO ONO, as follows:

“…a new kind of relationship with the viewer through an invitation to play an active part in the completion of the artwork. None of the works came to the gallery in crates with the status of original, unique art objects in the traditional sense. Instead, Ono conceived of these works to be produced by the exhibitor with agency given to the viewer to complete the work – a fleeting physical and mental communication that upends the traditional commercial system.”

These small pieces helped provide a break from the more serious works in the area. But they weren’t meaningless, each provided a means of reflecting on the present moment, and one’s place in life. Here are a few of them, which were printed directly onto the gallery walls:

Art as a Means of Exploring Serious Issues

RISING touched on the stories of survivors of assault. Sexual assault primarily. Rape. Formerly, RISING was composed of row after row of testimonials printed onto single blank letter sized page. Above each block of text appeared below a closeup snapshot of a single pair of eyes. These photos and testimonials were all anonymously submitted in response to an ongoing call Ono has put out for this project.

I originally wrote on Instagram how some of the eyes were definitely the eyes of survivors, where I felt a great strength in some of the eyes. I also noted how other eyes felt as though they were still broken with grief – lost in the memories of what they had endured. But I’m not sure I expressed myself correctly: this is not to say that those who were still suffering were weak. Vulnerable, yes, but at a different stage of grieving and dealing with the abuse they had endured. But all of them were strong, for the very act of sharing their stories, which is the bravest thing anyone can do. The stories weren’t easy to read. For some, it was a single act of abuse. For others, generational abuses… and maybe I’m using the wrong word phrase but one story discussed abuse received from her grandfather. And from her father. And her boyfriend.

Ono’s works are important for the fact that they all explore important issues that women face everyday. What made interacting with this show difficult for me was the fact that issues Ono dealt with in works that are now around fifty years old are all still prevalent today. Moving through RISING was a bit more difficult for me because I immediately recognized the eyes of one of the stories that were shared. The chances of this happening shouldn’t be shocking, as the statistics are sadly very clear – in the United States alone, 1 out of 6 women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (and this number is 1 out of 33 for men). And these numbers are likely very conservative, as over sixty percent of sexual assaults go unreported to the police. I nervously reached out to her a few days after seeing the show, to confirm that it was her, and it was. I also did the bare minimum I knew to do, I apologized to her for having to experience what she did. And this is why I was so moved to tears, because one of these very personal stories hit closer to home simply because I knew the survivor.

Concluding thoughts

Between the works placed at the start of the show, and the ones near the end, were works created by Ono in collaboration with John Lennon, which I just couldn’t look at for very long. I found these difficult to look at, especially one which was a framed piece, that contained the simple words, I LOVE JOHN. Across from it was another similar piece, which simply said, I LOVE YOKO. I thought I had a beloved once, who I told I LOVE YOU so often, but I guess I never showed it as well as I could have. We too made some amazing art pieces together. But she left me long ago, and now I don’t think she ever makes art anymore, and that breaks my heart. I take the blame for us not working.

I’m so sorry.

As I left the small area that was dedicated to RISING, i entered into an area that held works which appeared to be collaborations with local First Nations. I held my head down, as the tears were streaming down my face. The sobbing and choking back tears was difficult as I moved through WISH TREE (1996 / 2021), another interactive piece which encouraged visitors to record a wish and place it on any one of several trees that were in the area.

I wish I hadn’t waited until the last week to see this important show. My depression has made it difficult to get out to shows, and this was, in fact, the first art show I’ve attended since February 2020. It’s an experience I don’t think i’ll ever forget. It was a uniquely solitary experience, and deeply moving. If I could, I’d go back with an entire day free to really live with every piece in the exhibition.

This post originally started life as one of my subverted selfie project posts on Instagram.

Instructor Feedback

“Your submissions were wide-ranging, creative, honest, expressive as well as carried many rich insights, personal and societal, emotional and spiritual. There was enough there to also count toward Assignment#3 and the individual presentation. These are thus considered complete. Thus, the only component missing is the final applied research paper/portfolio worth 18 marks. You received a high A/cusp of A+ overall for 82% of the course, which makes your current grade in IDEA 3302 a B.” - Dr. Rajdeep Gill, April 25, 2022

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— End of Bonus Assignment —

Assignment 02 - Creative & Integrative Chapbook

This assignment can be viewed in PDF by clicking here.

Instructor Feedback

“Your submissions were wide-ranging, creative, honest, expressive as well as carried many rich insights, personal and societal, emotional and spiritual. There was enough there to also count toward Assignment#3 and the individual presentation. These are thus considered complete. Thus, the only component missing is the final applied research paper/portfolio worth 18 marks. You received a high A/cusp of A+ overall for 82% of the course, which makes your current grade in IDEA 3302 a B.” - Dr. Rajdeep Gill, April 25, 2022

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— End of Assignment 02 —