Today has been super hard for me. A dull persistent throbbing has sat in the bones of my lower left leg, bleeding down into my foot and the toe that fell apart earlier this month. Two Tylenol 3 tablets haven’t done much to ease the pain either, although I managed to sleep most of the day. I hate feeling so useless, so tired, unable to concentrate, unable to function like a normal human being.

My right arm has been stiff, a reminder of how I woke up around 10pm with my upper body and right leg feeling as though they were all asleep. One year since I had my stroke that my doctor said should have ended me. One year ago since snow blanketed Metro Vancouver. One year ago since I thought it couldn’t be a stroke, so I stayed home hoping I’d wake up feeling better.

I walked through the world today, step by step, on the verge of breaking into a mournful sobbing, complete with tears sweating down my face from my broken eyes. Before going into the Hillcrest Bakery, the peace Arch Hospital, and then Save-On Foods, I had to sit in my Pathfinder to settle myself into a foggy haze, a state of being that might save me from breaking down.

I felt so alone in those moments, I felt so alone today, so sad, today. I devoured two oatmeal cookies as a result, and a lot of water. But I resisted the urge to crack open any soda pop. I miss holding someone close. I miss feeling soft, warm lips gently pressed against my forehead to tell me it’s all going to be okay.

(31/366).

This picture was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.