Monday. I arrived at the hospital at just after 5pm, to a packed emergency room. It took a good twenty minutes to get checked in, and when I got upstairs the nurse who greeted me sternly scolded me with “you’re late.” She then proceeded to inform me that they might not be able to even treat me as the nurse assigned to treat me had now left for the day. She ended by telling me, “Go sit at the end of the hall and we’ll see what we can do.”
My heart sunk, and I wanted to just head downstairs, and let the ER provide me with my antibiotics, as that’s the procedure laid out on the door of the wound therapy wing: in short, if you miss your IV during therapy hours, proceed to the ER. I didn’t care if I’d end up waiting the rest of the night. But a few minutes later, the same nurse came and hooked me up to receive my antibiotics. And then, a second nurse came to hook my IV up to the fluids they administer once the antibiotics are in me.
I should’ve arrived earlier. There was no excuse not to. They have me at five on Monday to accommodate a course I’m in on Monday afternoon, but it’s one I’ve not been to in weeks because these antibiotics knock me out. I sleep so much, and in spite of this I still wake up exhausted. I feel so ashamed as it was a course I wanted to take so bad: Indigenous Art History. I’ve also fallen behind in a creative writing course I have on Thursday mornings. It’s last fall and last spring all over again: another term lost. With each semester that slips away, so too does my hope of ever completing my Bachelor of Fine Arts, which I had hoped to pair with a minor in Creative Writing.
I feel so broken inside. On the weekend I saw posts online featuring artists and writers giving talks, they all have MFAs which seem to be the bare minimum standard required to succeed in the arts. The monkey in my mind laughs at my failure, and glares at me with utter disgust whenever I find the courage to look at myself in the mirror.
I hate being alone. I hate being broke surrounded by stuff that should have helped me succeed. Wasted opportunities on a useless life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I have to own this.
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