June 10, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

June 10, 2022

DAY 10: OUR SHADOW

ARE YOU FINDING YOUR INNER CRITIC IS RISING UP ABOUT 'ENOUGHNESS’ THINGS THAT AREN'T BODY RELATED? LIKE THE TECHNICAL OR CREATIVE SIDE...OR EVEN THE CONDITIONS YOU THINK YOU NEED IN ORDER TO TAKE THE PHOTO?

Today's shadow prompt is often pretty gentle on us, body image wise, but I notice that this and other prompts might also be brining up your inner critic in a different way. Is your inner critic showing up telling you that your photo isn't enough creatively or technically? Or that the conditions need to be 'perfect' to take the photo? For example, if the sun isn't out today is it telling you to give up or wait until later...but as long as there is light around you, there will be your shadow. Could you let whatever the conditions are, whatever the gear you have is, whatever the moment brings...be enough? Just something to ponder and explore today!

From June 10, 2022: #Embracing and #confronting our #shadow can be difficult for me. I don’t like #confrontation. I shy away from it a lot. Today’s @beyourownbeloved #photo and #reflective writing prompts focussed in on the concept of the shadow.

We had fairly good weather today: it was both #sunny and #bright. So, I took the easy photos: ones where the sun hung high overhead, reflecting my frame onto #mundane surfaces like the grass and the pavement. But even my Monkey Mind felt they were shots I and so many others had done before.

So I left it for awhile… in fact, I almost forgot about it. Then, as I made my way out of my #bedroom early that evening, I caught a glimpse of my shadowy figure climbing up the wall. And I was enchanted. I wondered if that’s how artist Richard Hambleton @richardhambletonfoundation first discovered the kind of lanky figure that would form the basis for the shadowmen he painted in the 1970s and 80s. Had he glimpsed his own shadow on the wall of his flat a half century ago?

Today, I feel #tired. I slept in again. Eventually, I headed out and had a #manicure to shed the dry skin off of my feet. I have a #fan on at night and it sits near the foot of my bed, but wow it leaves my #feet so dry.

I also picked up a new @thetorocompany gas #lawn #mower as our older one finally bit the dust a few weeks ago. The grass at Mum’s needs cutting. It’s really high in some places, and my Maltese poodle pup along with my Mom’s miniature poodle push through it, as if trying to form a path through African long grass, with blades that were as high as their heads in some spots. It’s how I feel about life when my monkey mind natters away - it’s like I’m cutting through long grass, unsure of my destination, unsure of my life. And when I’m broken, I feel as ephemeral as my shadow on the wall.

161/365.

This image was first posted on Instagram and Flickr.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

June 9, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved)

June 9, 2022

DAY 9: SENDING A MESSAGE TO OUR INNER CRITIC

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR INNER CRITIC?

Write a letter to your inner critic in this space. Let it spill onto the page freely and then pick a sentence or more to put on a photo today!

DOES YOUR INNER CRITIC USUALLY SAY THE SAME THINGS TO YOU EACH TIME YOU TAKE A PHOTO? LET'S PONDER BUILDING OUR OWN VOICE AND PLAN OUT A RESPONSE FOR NEXT TIME IT SPEAKS UP!

Sometimes when we are outside of the moment of seeing the photo that we took and having our inner critic rise up, it can be a bit easier to take a step back and notice what it says to us. What are the common themes. And what...outside of the moment...would be helpful to say in response? What would you respond if a dear friend said that about themselves? What would you want to remind them of in that moment? How can you remind yourself of your worthiness and that you are enough throughout this selfie journey?

June 9, 2022

To my #MonkeyMind,

I wanted to share with you how I feel about our #relationship, because how it’s been going isn’t working for me anymore. Even though you make it impossible to do sometimes, deep down I do #care about myself and I feel you do too. So that’s why I need you to understand that when you #criticize me, it hurts so much. Especially when your #nagging thoughts turn towards self hatred and self loathing.

I wanted to share with you that when you criticize me, it hurts.

When you say “Why do you even bother trying, you’ll just fuck it up like you always do!” it eats away at my #confidence.

When you say “Steve, you’re a fucking loser!” it feels like a #slap to the face.

When you #scream “I hate myself so much!” it tears at the very fibre of my being.

I’m tired of feeling the dread inside my mind that’s accelerated by you whenever I do something wrong, like sleeping in too late or not finishing something on time.

I’m tired of you encouraging me to eat away my sorrows by #devouring the absolute worst foods I can find.

I’m tired of you egging me on, to the point where I start hitting myself whenever I get really frustrated with something.

And when you see my prescription pill bottle in my hand, even though you say nothing, I want you to know how I feel you wanting to see me down the entire bottle like they were M&M candies. That hurts most of all.

So I’m going to tell you to #STOP whenever you start in on me negatively. I’m going to tell you to be kinder and gentler with me every time you want to bring me down.

We would never say or do these awful kinds of things with others - we cherish and care for others deeply and it’s time to give that same care to ourselves. I know that if we can do that we will take one step towards living a longer and more fulfilling life.

Love,

Steven

160/365.

This image was originally posted to Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants. Note that there’s no requirement to share your photos outside of the group. You don’t even have to share the writing reflections with the group, let alone publicly as I do. It’s a very supportive and private safe space that McMaster provides.

@beyouroewnbeloved @beyourownbelovedportraits

June 8 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

June 8, 2022

DAY 8: SAVOURING A MOMENT

HOW DID IT FEEL TO HAVE YOUR EYES CLOSED IN A SELFIE?

How did it feel for you to NOT look into the camera? For some people, we may feel more engaged with ourselves through the lens when we look into it. Or as you might find through this activity, closing our eyes actually allows ourselves to feel more connected to ourselves in the moment we take the photo. How did it feel for you to try this today (and there is no right or wrong answer...this is just for you to reflect on and your experience is 100% valid no matter what it is).

From June 8, 2022: sometimes it feels more #satisfying for me #personally to not look into the lens of my #camera when taking a #selfportrait.

ESPECIALLY AFTER LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE LENS YESTERDAY, WAS YOUR INNER CRITIC A BIT MORE GENTLE IN ONE OF THESE TYPES OF SELFIES?

Today, I found a spot where I could just be connected with my surroundings, in the #present moment, #nonjudgmentally, not worrying too much about the #troubles that seem to follow me in #life. My eyes #soaked in the colours of the #wildflowers, and traced the movements of #bees floating through the air, from #flower to flower, #petal to petal, ever so #effortlessly. I felt a slight #breeze caressing my skin but also the warmth of the #sun beaming down. Overall, when I pause to close my eyes in these moments, I’m almost shutting down my ability to criticize myself… I’ll even move my #camera around to capture different angles while my eyes stay closed, although I admit that my monkey mind can wander to questions like “…are you sure you’re in frame or not Steve?” or “…are you sure it’s tack sharp Steve?” And I won’t kid myself by denying that my critic is always fast to scroll through the photos on my digital camera’s screen when I’ve stopped taking photos and opened my eyes again.

Let's reflect on today as well as yesterday's activity. Which felt more comfortable to you? Which felt like there was more ease to it. Did you inner critic rise up for one of them or both of them? Remember...your inner critic rising up isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a sign that you're going out of your comfort zone and that this is an activity that you definitely should try (and not listen to the critic). Hear it out and then ask it to trust you and try the activity anyways. So, after doing that...how did these two eye-focused activities go for you?

Yesterday, I took #selfie #photos of myself looking directly into the lens of my camera. And I think in that moment, that was harder to do as I’m not looking at a viewfinder, or other digital display to see how I’m #positioned. My eyes are open but for a moment, I’m still blind.

I won’t lie that I’m stressed today still. But for a moment I wasn’t. For a moment I breathed. An hour after this was shot, I’d be on the phone for my first counselling appointment in almost a year. And it was good. Tomorrow, my annual physical exam takes place.

159/365.