June 4, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 4: THE STORY OF YOU

Today we're exploring tell your story, your body's story. Let's get inspired by one part of our bodies and tell their story, focusing on a part of your body you can invite in compassion towards through this story. You might use some of these suggestions or create your own. Let some of those stories of you spill out onto this page and into your photo today.

THESE FEET HAVE TAKEN ME...

THESE ARMS HAVE HELD...

THIS BELLY HAS NOURISHED...

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED...

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN...

THESE EARS HAVE HEARD...

June 4, 2022: THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the smile of the cutest redhead, that day in grade 8 when I stumbled to ask her to the high school dance outside of the row of maroon red lockers that stood outside of our shop class.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the naked skin of my high school friend as we stood underneath moonlight and next to two tall Douglas Fir trees that stretched towards the night sky in the side yard of my parent’s place: nervously wanting each other but not knowing what to do, or even where to start. We didn’t kiss, but my eyes have seen his short brown hair as we lay in the grass spooning, my lips tasting the soft skin of his neck behind his ears.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the long black hair that flowed down onto one of my pillows as we stared into each other’s souls, our bodies laying together so close that it felt we were one body, laying ever so still, locked forever in the present moment. She laid down the rules: no kissing, no touching her breasts, and definitely not her other area. But we still held each other ever so closely, and I remember the touch of our foreheads as our breathing grew deeper with each passing June 4, 2022: THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the smile of the cutest redhead, that day in grade 8 when I stumbled to ask her to the high school dance outside of the row of maroon red lockers that stood outside of our shop class.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the naked skin of my high school friend as we stood underneath moonlight and next to two tall Douglas Fir trees that stretched towards the night sky in the side yard of my parent’s place: nervously wanting each other but not knowing what to do, or even where to start. We didn’t kiss, but my eyes have seen his short brown hair as we lay in the grass spooning, my lips tasting the soft skin of his neck behind his ears.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the long black hair that flowed down onto one of my pillows as we stared into each other’s souls, our bodies laying together so close that it felt we were one body, laying ever so still, locked forever in the present moment. She laid down the rules: no kissing, no touching her breasts, and definitely not her other area. But we still held each other ever so closely, and I remember the touch of our foreheads as our breathing grew deeper with each passing minute.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the messages over yahoo chat between myself and a cute brown haired girl, as we got to know each other one spring almost twenty years ago. These eyes have seen my finger nervously press her doorbell as I arrived to pick her up for a date. And these eyes have seen her eyes as we shared my first real deeply heartfelt kiss of passion with a woman who took my breath away.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the distance and disappointment in the expression of a woman who I meant everything to, but whom I couldn’t love back because I didn’t even know how to love myself.

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN the smile of the most beautiful brown haired girl as she smiled and waved at me, before making a heart shape with both her hands that she held over her heart, all the while never unlocking her gaze from mine.

These are just a few of the more intimate moments that I’ll never forget, with people I’ll always hold dear in my heart and soul, even if I’m never with anybody ever again.

155/365.

This photo was originally posted on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

June 3, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 3: EMERGING INTO THE IMAGE

HOW HAS IT BEEN EMERGING INTO THIS EXPERIENCE?

Today's prompt is all about emerging into the process and our photo using one of my favourite creative ways to take a photo. It's a great one to help us emerge a bit more into the photo and this experience. How has it been emerging into the experience as a whole far?

June 3, 2022: I’m so #scatterbrained, useless, & #ashamed today. This latest major #depressive episode has meant my monkey mind has been working #overtime to hurtle insults at myself over the last week.

The #selfloathing has been strong.

I’ve slept in day after day. It has been an absolute struggle just to get the simplest of things completed. My third #arthistory assignment is now three days late, meaning a 25% automatic reduction. I’ll never change.

I’ve had some horrible #screaming matches with my Mum.

A woman at @londondrugs positively commented on my heart shaped #bumblebeejasper #pendant & I looked right through her as I passed by. But it wasn’t devoid of emotion, I felt so angry about how the #pharmacists said it would be 20 minutes for my Mum’s #insulin but it had been almost an hour when they needed, “Just a few more minutes.” But as I stepped back a huge line had formed, meaning just a few more minutes was now easily another half hour. So I left, & that’s when the woman complimented me, leaving me to just bite my tongue.

After weighing in at 213.4 pounds on Tuesday, today I’m at 216.4. “Shove another cookie down your mouth again Steve!” my mind barks at me.

I’ve been #hyperaware about how a friend of over twenty years, & another of over seventeen have both #ghosted me. I feel the #confusion, #hurt, & #betrayal mixed in with the overwhelming desire or just wanting to know what I did to push them away. My mind just automatically puts the blame on me.

I also noticed how a few new friends I’ve made over the past year blocked me this week, & I don’t know why. My monkey mind screams at me about how I must be some really #creepy guy to keep pushing people away, & I feel more #depressed because of it.

A business I adore unfollowed me. I am such a #screwup. Maybe my latest #selfies have finally revealed the truth about the monster I really am.

I USED THE WORD 'EMERGING' BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO LET OURSELVES EASE INTO THE PROCESS. WHAT ARE THE COMFORT ZONES YOU'RE NOTICING SO FAR?

Are you noticing that some prompts are more outside your comfort zones than others? If you find yourself coming up against a comfort zone, could you let yourself use a tool like this and emerge into the photo gently rather than push yourself and make it all or nothing? Can you think of any other times you let yourself stretch into an experience, step by step and let yourself emerge gently?

Part of the past few months has involved my emerging from these kinds of #debilitating moments by reframing how I look at myself: I got up earlier today than yesterday. I can get a doctor’s note. My weight will fluctuate. I am not other people’s thoughts.

I can do this.

154/365.

This image was initially posted on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

June 2, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 2: OUR BODY, OUR BREATH

I think it's SO common for us to hold our breath in photos but that disconnects us from our body and enhances any anxiety in our body that might be coming up. How did focusing on the breath feel for you?

June 2, 2022: I’m feeling a lot of #anxiety this morning because I slept in, again. For like. I dunno. The fifth day in a row too.

I try to #breathe in deeply through my nose, to help calm my racing #heartbeat, but it’s #halfhearted & I find my mind is too tired to even #lambaste myself for it.

I hold my breath for a moment as my hand reaches for the #remote that controls the small Dyson fan sitting near the room’s only window, one that’s been slightly open for so many months now.

I breathe out through my #mouth, as I fumble with the small remote & eventually find the button that turns it off. I press it, & the fan comes to a stop. The sudden silence highlights my #loneliness & a headache that numbs the present moment.

I breathe in, through my nose again, while stretching my arms & legs out. The silence is broken by the crickackle of the remote landing inside the cave that is my nightstand’s open drawer, as my outstretched hand lets it fall.

I breathe out to have it turn into a chest filling yawn, complete with the quivering of my upper lip. I hold my left leg mid air for a moment, trying to stop a Charlie-horse from forming. I extend my foot as far as it will go & I feel the muscles in my leg fighting to remain relaxed, as I also hold onto the desire to vocalize my agony.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER TOOLS FOR GROUNDING THAT YOU USE IN OTHER PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Ponder what tools or actions you take part in to get grounded. Maybe it's making a cup of tea. Maybe it is feeling your feet on the ground or doing mountain pose? Maybe it is noticing your senses. Or maybe it is a crystal you like to hold or a stone in your pocket that helps you get grounded. List them here! And then ponder...could we include some of these as part of our process this month? Could we make ourselves a cup of tea as we're reading the class activities and get grounded before we take our selfie? Or feel the ground beneath our feet before we pick up our camera?

I breathe in as my legs fall back down into the sheets & I turn my body onto my side as I breathe out. I pull Kira close, hugging her tightly & she tolerates it just long enough to capture this selfie. She then flops back onto the softest blanket next to me, & I pass out too, my phone falling from my hand, ending up somewhere next to me until it’s alarm wakes me around 8:00am. 3 hours wasted.

HOW DID FOCUSING ON SOME DEEP BREATHS FEEL FOR YOU AS YOU TOOK YOUR SELFIE? DID YOU NOTICE THE URGE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH?

I feel a bit more grounded, it was nice to just hold my girl and relax a little. I still need to sneak away to catchup with my art history. But I have so much to do here as well. Maybe I can do an hours worth of work & then sneak away. I’m going to lose 15% on my late assignment now, thanks to my fucking depression. That knowledge terrifies me. It makes me feel #guilty, #stupid & #ashamed. I can see the reddish orange highlight through a C+ grade on the rubric she uses to mark the work, indicating a slip from the A I got a week before. That knowledge paralyzes me.

153/365.

This photo was initially posted on Instagram and Flickr.

Today’s photo prompt and reflective journaling questions for today was a part of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED photo workshop challenge which is run several times throughout the year by photographer VIVIENNE McMASTER. It’s well worth signing up for, and doing alongside other participants.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed