November 03, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I feel stupid, stuck in a catch-22 as I lift the hot dog up towards my ugly little insignificant face with its pot marked forehead (a reminder of the stroke I had almost 2 years ago now). My eyes instinctually close as I smell the sweet aroma of relish and ketchup mixed with the sickening aura of oily hot dog flesh that likely sat on the rollers of the @cineplexmovies hot dog cooker before being stuffed into a soft warm bun, wrapped in a piece of paper foil lined on the outside to suck in the heat of the warmer it sat in before being rescued by a food service worker who handed it to me. The bun has a slight crunch like the morning toast I enjoy, just a little crisp but not browned deeply. My teeth slice through it, and chew as I hold the dog with my left hand, snapping photos with my iPhone cradled in my right. It’s hard to take selfies with the forward facing camera, as there’s no way to see it on the screen.

I came today to see Alfred Hitchcock’s NORTH BY NORTHWEST, a film I first saw in @engstromstan’s grade 9 class. I think it was an English class, although it might have been drama as I was fortunate enough to study both with him. It was very much the first time I seriously thought about films that had been made before I was born, a new generation of filmmakers for me to discover, an older generation who honed their craft and skills decades before I ever wandered the Earth. Hitchcock, a pioneer of cinema and of the thriller. NORTH BY NORTHWEST, a forefather of the contemporary action classics I knew, of films like DIE HARD.

I got to the theatre around 330pm, after having slept most of the day, my persistent cough having kept me up most of the night and leaving me frustrated enough that I needed to escape the confines of my bed. I ate the hot dog and downed a cup of tea before getting my popcorn, @cocacola, and a bag of @reeses chocolate covered peanuts. I need to stop eating this junk but I keep doing it.

The film was awesome to see. Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint made a great team, although I wonder if Saint’s character could have had more agency. An agency I should have too, when it comes to the food I choose to consume.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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November 02, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

The warm green tea soothes my throat as I sit alone at the table tonight, opening @Facebook and mindlessly scrolling a bit, before closing it and opening @Instagram and mindlessly scrolling a bit, before closing that and opening @twitter X and mindlessly scrolling a bit, replying to the odd MAGA post with a few memes, before closing it and opening @TikTok to see if anyone interesting was live and finding no one, closing that and opening @YouNow and finding no one, closing it and opening @YouTube and mindlessly scrolling a bit, playing a video for a bit while scrolling other recommendations and then watching something else before switching to another recommendation for a bit before jumping to another recommendation, my channel surfing for the digital age.

I stare at my hand awhile, the areas I’ve picked at appear more menacing but under normal daylight conditions one can observe redness flowing across the canvas that lies just below the surface of my skin. It looks painful but oddly enough it’s not. The look of my right hand is similar to the look of my lower legs, only my legs are worse: bigger patches of skin removed, with slight swelling here and there. And little physical feeling in terms of pain, just the draining emptiness of the depression that lives inside.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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November 01, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I was up past 3am today, as I finished a deep clean of my Mom’s fridge which is broken down right now, awaiting a part that will hopefully prolong its useful life for another decade or so. Instead of removing everything that could go to rot earlier in October, several tomatoes were left inside which went bad, spreading mold across the shelves & the surfaces of surrounding containers. To clean it, everything that had been left inside came out & piece by piece, I took out every shelf, & every part that made up the puzzle of the fridge’s bottom drawers. The drawers have never been taken apart like this, so every part was unscrewed to reveal the remnants of past spills which were cleaned up with warm water & bleach. Parts that were removed were run under hot water & several different cleaning solutions with a final soak in bleach before being rinsed & left to air dry. Should the part the repairman has ordered not work & my Mum has to buy a new fridge, this will be the cleanest fridge ever disposed of.

In October I suffered from a cold which gave me a persistent cough that has recently come back. Today though I was also super tired, a combination of having been up so late & continuing to cough so hard that I ended up vomitting a few times. I also have a fever but somehow managed to head out to get a few groceries. I had wanted to check out the monochrome art exhibit at the @vanartgallery which closes Sunday but I felt too exhausted to drive that far.

I managed to book appointments for my Mom’s dog Tiffany, & my dog Kira, to get their hair cut next week & in December. I stopped in @boosterjuice to get a smoothie loaded with vitamins & collagen to help ease the cold & flu like symptoms & to help heal the wounds on my legs heal that I keep picking at, removing thin strips of skin when I can’t sleep at night.

When I got home today, I slept. I’m supposed to go out on Saturday, to run errands for my Mum & attend a memorial but I’m not sure any of that will get done. It makes me feel so useless.

I’m craving junk food so bad but there’s not much in the house as I’ve somehow managed to not buy any, save for the unclaimed Halloween candy.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 25, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Waiting for the infectious disease doctor to see me at Peace Arch Hospital. Appointment was for 11:00am… I have my @kwantlenu course at 1:00pm… hope this happens soon as I need to be on the road, and they will have to re-wrap my wounds.

The toe is looking better. I expect the IV antibiotics regiment to end soon, as my home supply has about a week left. The meds have been knocking me out, and the last week has been especially harsh on me: extreme fatigue, light headed dizziness, and nausea keeping me dead in bed. I felt so bad yesterday that after my IV, I went to the ER to get checked out. They ran a full range of tests, taking blood several times, doing an EKG, and sending me for X-rays to look at my heart. Thankfully, nothing unusual came up, and the emergency room doctor suspected my issues had to do with the fact I’m on several antibiotics at once right now.

My anxious depression has also been on high, thanks to the ups and downs of my physical body.

So… we will see where things go.

This was also posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 07, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Today flowed better than previous ones, I felt more grounded and less like I was going to break down in tears. I had lunch at the @five.corners.cafe, with the last twenty dollar bill I had on me which purchased me a bowl of their beef chili alongside a Caesar salad. As I did this I people watched, snapping a few pictures for my @foursquare checkin, snapped a few selfies, & continued to do some writing on my iPad for a free short course on creative writing through @theopenuniversity. The sadness of the previous week seemed to have slipped off of me for awhile, and it felt nice.

I then did some grocery shopping for my elderly Mum, and my last stop for that had me going to @choicesmarket where they had just started wrapping up an anniversary celebration for the store, alongside a fundraiser BBQ, which I had completely forgotten about. Chalk drawings were spread across the sidewalks and the parking lot area that had been set aside for the event. As I walked past the drawings, I snapped photos of them, and then noticed my shadow was laying on top of the word love.

Love.

Something I haven’t had for myself in a long time. Love. Self love. As Oxford defines as having a “…regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.” Happiness. Happy, an adjective, “…feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.” Again, something that’s been eroded in me for a long time. I desire happiness again. It’s a sentence I need to shift though, to read as if I am happy again.

I am happy again?

I am happy again. Even if it was only for a few hours on this Saturday afternoon. I am happy again.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 06, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I’ve been dreading today, a day whose experience was shot in slow motion. My mind stuck in a haze that felt thicker than anything I’d experienced before. My eyes burned red from the doubt that had been building in me for months now, like a dust that had settled onto my skin to form a blanket of despair that was only escapable through the darkness of sleep. Not even my dog stayed with me today although I eventually got up in time to head to the hospital, thinking how I should be heading there from the university following the first class of my fourth year open studio 1 class.

Everything today was tied to that by my mind. At 6am, I should be gathering up things I’ve wanted to work with. At 7:00am, I should be heading to a cafe for a quick breakfast. I’d even been thinking of trying to get permission to do the course with an override, but I kept putting off writing that email, kept thinking I had no right to make such a request. Just like I’ve put off finishing this post. Just like I’ve put off getting things cleaned up. Just like I keep letting myself down because of my shitty choices.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything. Ultimately it all comes down to me, and who I am. And who I want to be. I’ve declared it before, that I don’t want to be depressed, but my efforts to lift myself up out of this malaise have been mediocre at best. When I think about it, I find the thoughts just melt into the fog, leaving me staring blankly into the world, sadder than ever before.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 05, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

It’s the early evening and another day has slipped away fairly quickly. The morning was a blur, which slid into heading to the hospital, which in some weird way feels like another home. The first appointment I had was a group therapy for anxiety session. It’s the second program I’ve been in that focuses on skills for managing anxiety. Another program earlier this year focused on tools for depression. But it’s a place where I find I often clam up. Normally noisy Steve, totally silent. I’ve even been passing on the opportunities to check-in at the start of each session, choosing instead to sheepishly stare at the floor, as I softly say “pass.” The soloist part of my imposter syndrome takes over, standing behind me and grabbing me by my shoulders to hurriedly shuffle me away, exit through the gift shop, stage left.

I often doubt why I’m even there, as I hear others sharing deeply, others who “…have it so much worse than me,” my monkey mind reminds me again and again. Broadly speaking, in all the groups I’ve been in, there are some who have lost loved ones to suicide. And others who simply lost their life partners to disease or old age. Some who have grappled with providing care to loved ones battling physical and / or mental illnesses without providing the same care to themselves. Others who suffered their own physical injuries that turned their lives upside down. Others who live with depression and self-doubt. The list goes on.

So, I normally clam up, but today I shared about all the things I’m falling behind in, and how one nurse feels my toe needs amputation, and how the antibiotics leave me exhausted and with the shits. It felt good to share and to hear feedback on how I might approach some things. But then I fall back into the circle of my week. A circle that takes me nowhere but backwards, carving deep tracks into the ground from which I fear I’ll never dig myself out of.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 04, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I’m determined to pump out a selfie every day now through September and beyond, but I know that this is something I’ve never been able to do for any sustainable length of time since I started this “subversive selfie project” over five years ago on January 1, 2020. Like everything I try to tackle, the inconsistency with my posting a daily selfie and written reflection seems to be the most consistent thing about this creative endeavour of photographic memoir.

But I digress.

This morning went by quickly, running errands which included getting a few groceries for Mum followed by another hospital appointment and then a rush to get to class. I hadn’t planned to be late, I did desire to manifest an entire day where I would actually be on time for once, but of course, that didn’t materialize. When I realized i was running behind, I did try to preemptively email my professor to ideally lessen any disappointment they might have had in my being twenty-four minutes late (as recorded in my @FourSquare Swarm check-in app when I sat down in the back of the class, before paying for parking). The professor was reviewing the course syllabus and had zero bones about pointing out how late I had come in was unacceptable when reviewing the section about attendance. Yes, for those who regularly follow this journal of mine, this is the same professor who refused to grant any extension for my summer class after I ended up in the emergency room for several days with a high fever and at the time my third leg infection of the last year. If I ever want to finish my degree, I need to pass a course with them and achieve a grade that’s at least a C or higher.

I ultimately got through the first class okay, and even contributed to the discussion when offered a chance to. But by the time I made it back to the hospital I was ready to sleep. I swear, these antibiotics are going to be the death of me.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 03, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

The nurse tending to the bandaging of the wounds on my legs & feet was dismayed when she found that they had gotten worse since she last treated them on August 30. She left the room I was in & awhile later, another nurse came to examine & bandage my wounds. I’ve seen her before & I’m fairly certain she’s in charge of the outpatient unit. Although she doesn’t have the demeanour of a nurse Rachet, I’m pretty sure she was sent in to put the fear of God in me. I didn’t say much as she looked over my legs, saying how she understands the desire people have to scratch at their wounds when they get itchy. I also didn’t tell her it was because of my persistent depressed state that makes me pick at them while mindlessly scrolling social media during night after night of my fucking insomnia. It’s weird that I can write that here but I can’t find the words to describe it to the people who can help. As she examines my toe, the word amputation comes up, a word that had come up before with the wounds I’ve had on my other toes… which thankfully all healed to one degree or another. But she really thinks removing it might be the best course of action. Thankfully, that hasn’t been the course of action the doctors have mentioned yet with this latest wound, but to get me out of their hair maybe they’ll do it. Teach the stupid man a lesson for eating all that junk & rarely looking after himself.

Earlier today I arrived a bit late for my appointment with @lifelabslp for my weekly blood work, but didn’t have to wait long at all before they extracted some blood from my veins into two small vials. I can never watch as they do it, even the thought of the needle piercing my skin to collect a sample leaves me feeling nauseous. I then had a cup of tea before heading back to Mum’s, where I slept until it was time to go to the hospital.

Another day wasted. Another day gone.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 02, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

It was sometime in the morning as I lay on my stomach, the left side of my facial stubble pressed firmly into my pillow. A silky smooth bedsheet wrapped around my naked body, like an ill fitting toga, leaving parts of me covered & other parts exposed. Warm air from a Dyson tower fan flows over my back and neck. My eyes are open, but unfocused as the items on my nightstand bleed together as if lost in a mirage. My mind has been aimlessly wandering through this haze of a fog that’s been lingering over my fading expectations for any kind of a meaningful future.

@whoopigoldberg’s character of Guinan in STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION said in THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS PART 2: “When a man is convinced that he is going to die tomorow, he’ll probably find a way to make it happen.” It’s a line I think about often when I’m in a depression, one that seems to fit in with the unfortunate ability that I have to manifest failure and loss in my life. It’s a challenge to overcome, to find something positive to replace the thoughts that are so often so negative.

Today I ran to the store to get a few groceries and a prescription for my Mum. The weather has been drizzly grey so when Kira saw me putting on my one sandal along with my offloading shoe, I asked if she wanted to come with me in the car. Her ears perked up and her eyes brightened as I said this, and followed with, “like old times, cause it’s cool out today.” She bounded past me into the garage as I stood up from the stoop. I attached her leash and off we went.

Waiting for the prescription we sat in the car together. Her little ears keenly aware of anyone passing by. It was enjoyable to see and for a moment my worries slipped away. I love my little sunshine so much.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

This post was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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September 01, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Eight months have slid by so quickly. I was so exhausted this morning that after eating a small bowl of warm cream of wheat porridge (with organic Ceylon cinnamon mixed into it, along with some fresh strawberries & a banana sprinkled on top), I crawled back into bed to sleep most of the day away. By the time I woke up, it was almost four. I sighed heavily knowing I was 15 minutes late for my daily antibiotics IV. I picked up my iPhone, & listened to it ring the number for the outpatient unit at Peace Arch Hospital. I felt relieved when no one answered, & left a brief message explaining why I was late & that I could get there in 30 minutes.

The nurse seems to have my IV on the slowest possible drip setting, making this sitting feel a little unbearable. I stare at my iPhone, unable to concentrate on much, feeling this drowsiness behind my eyes that’s also resting across my forehead. I want to sleep.

My depression has definitely been back this past month. I fucking hate it so much. I scroll my social media feeds to find post after post about September being suicide prevention month. This month marks three years since I was hospitalized after my last major attempt, after being arrested under the mental health act in the driveway of my Mom’s house in South Surrey. In some ways it feels like yesterday. In other ways, it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I hate going for these IV injections. I hate that I’m not in the fourth year open studio course. I feel deflated, not knowing when I’ll ever get to do it. I need to write this letter for several people: the bank, the school, the strata, for a small claim against my former storage unit. A letter about my health, but I’m feel so drained by it. Each day, I put it off, choosing to sleep instead, to bury my head in my pillow as if I was an ostrich burying it in sand.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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August 18, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Monday marks a week since I opened my Yahoo! Mail to find the email from my doctor’s receptionist, kindly explaining how my doctor wouldn’t be able to assist me further with the results of the bacterial culture that had been processed by Peace Arch Hospital a few days earlier. Instead, he advised that I go to my local emergency room as they would be able to do any further tests required to make recommendations on a course of action for my foot’s latest malady. Specifically, three different bacterial infections were detected by the tests that were done, nesting in the second toe of my right foot, as follows: 1) Pseudomonas aeruginosa 3+; 2) Staph. pseudintermedius 3+; & 3) Enterobacter cloacae complex 2+. I made the mistake of googling one of them, & the results noted how: “Enterobacter infections are serious infections with a high mortality rate, even with appropriate treatment,” scaring the hell out of me. I’m on two different antibiotics intravenously, which I go for once a day, & I’m on a third high dose oral antibiotic, which I take twice a day. The medication knocks me out like nothing else before & will continue for six weeks right through the month of September.

Last month, a friend of mine said this when I expressed disappointment in not chatting with them more often, to which they replied: “…you always do that self pity thing you gotta stop doing that, not a good look.” It’s something that’s stuck with me. Between that & bombing my summer art history course because of the third leg infection that hit me mid-June & a request to have an extension on my final project for the semester was subsequently denied: both instances are examples of why I’ve avoided posting my daily selfies here. I was so excited to enrol in the fourth year open studio course this fall, I wanted to push my exploration of self-portraiture with two amazing professors but with a year of dealing with infections in my legs & feet, I fear finishing my degree is slipping further and further away. Not to fall back on the self pity thing but the heaviness in my chest is real, the feeling that I’ll breakdown in tears at any given moment, so asubstantial.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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July 01, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

The fingers on my hands tightly gripped the steering wheel as I fought the urge to sob as I drove to Peace Arch Hospital for my latest IV antibiotics & wound therapy. As my car drove past the cemetery where my Dad is buried I yelled at the top of my lungs until a lack of air resulted in the scream burning out like a dying candle. As I breathed in, the tears started to roll down my cheek as my voice faintly scratched out “I’m so sorry Dad. Please help me...”

Being Canada Day, I honestly didn’t expect to see the doctor but during my IV the nurses undressed & cleaned my wounds so he could examine them. I don’t remember exactly what he said, although he was surprised that the Synjardy he prescribed came with a drowsiness warning on the label, & his response to this news felt like he didn’t believe me.

Upon leaving the hospital, I drove down past the @five.corners.cafe, hoping to get a nice breakfast to settle my nerves, but they were closed. “When are you going to get things cleaned!?” echoed in my head as I considered where to eat. Mum was so angry, & I again lost my sight of being mindful, & chose to yell back at her earlier his morning, as I got ready to head to the hospital. Horrible things were said. “Go ahead & run to the hospital!” as well as “If you’re going to yell at me don’t bother coming back!” had also been floating in my mind all morning since I left her house. I set my turn signal to point right, having decided to head to the beach. I easily found parking, which shouldn’t be surprising as it was just before 10am. I headed to @thewafflersofficial / @thewafflers_ where I hadn’t been in many months. I ordered my favourites: a sweet mango delight waffle, & a savoury omelette waffle, both of which I enjoyed with a hot cup of orange pekoe tea.

That’s when I also snapped this selfie, sporting my orange shirt, a Canadian flag behind me - the shirt purposefully worn to remember the hardships that Indigenous First Nations, Inuit, & Métis Peoples have faced on their Native Land which was stolen from them 157 years ago when the Colonial-Settler nation of Canada was born. And with that thought my problems suddenly seemed so small.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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June 23, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Caption story to be posted later. Been at Peace Arch Hospital since approximately 9am. Had antibiotics IV, but was so weak, they brought me to ER.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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June 04, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 4: THE STORY OF YOU

Today we're exploring tell your story, your body's story. Let's get inspired by one part of our bodies and tell their story, focusing on a part of your body you can invite in compassion towards through this story.

You might use some of these suggestions or create your own. Let some of those stories of you spill out onto this page and into your photo today.

THESE FEET HAVE TAKEN ME...

THESE ARMS HAVE HELD...

THIS BELLY HAS NOURISHED...

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED...

THESE EYES HAVE SEEN...

THESE EARS HAVE HEARD...

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED sounds on a piano, from the repetition of scales to the practice of pieces that were eventually played at small concerts & Royal Conservatory of Music year end exams.

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED non-representational abstracts as well as cloud studies, florals, mountainscapes, landscapes, & seascapes using acrylic paints, charcoal sticks, chalk pastels, mixed media collage, pen & inks, pencils, photography, & oil paints.

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED delicious organic breakfasts like soft, fluffy scrambled eggs, pancakes, & waffles; mouth watering organic chicken vegetable noodle soup, huge garden salads with grilled ham & cheese sandwiches; as well as yummy Chinese feasts with chicken chow mein, egg fried rice, & sweet ‘n sour pork; alongside deserts baked with care from chocolate chip cookies, to banana walnut muffins, & apple crumble pie.

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED countless journal entries, poems, nonfiction memoir pieces, & short stories, beginning with a pen or pencil on paper, before moving to transcribing & editing it on a computer before posting some of it online to share with the world.

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED an unorganized mess in my life, through the unconscious accumulation of too many things: art supplies, blu-rays, books, CDs, clothing, crystals, decorations, DVDs, games, journals, oracle & tarot card decks, records, toys, & more. It’s all so unorganized, that it overwhelms me & feeds into my ongoing depression. I’ve purchased shelves, & containers with which to organize things but I never get around to finishing it, resulting in me not being able to enjoy any of it. And it’s slowly killing me inside: both mentally & physically.

THESE HANDS HAVE CREATED safe spaces for the people & pets in my life who I work to cultivate unconditional love & reverence for in everything I do, everyday of my life - something I so desperately need to learn to do for myself.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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June 03, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 3: EMERGING INTO THE IMAGE

HOW HAS IT BEEN EMERGING INTO THIS EXPERIENCE?

Today's prompt is all about emerging into the process and our photo using one of my favourite creative ways to take a photo. It's a great one to help us emerge a bit more into the photo and this experience. How has it been emerging into the experience as a whole far?

Another night was lost to tossing & turning, feeling too tired to do anything but not tired enough to sleep. The skin below my right eye ached from hitting myself on the floor of the White Rock U-Lock Office on Saturday. I used my iPhone to take a few close-ups of my lonely face. Once I had one I liked, I placed it in the black circular frame I’ve been using to call attention to the idea that these selfies are constructed art objects devoid of any aura. Pictures imbued with a pragmatic, matter of fact quality.

By the time I did drift off, I slept past all of my alarms I wanted to wake me at 5am. As I crawled out of bed, Kira jumped down, scurrying towards the door. I scooped her up, bringing her into the washroom with me so she wouldn’t run & find a spot to pee inside. She curled up on the floor watching me as I stared at myself in the mirror, remembering how I had written on Facebook the night before: “Feeling really depressed & so alone tonight.”

I worked through my chores with a steady pace: I weighed myself (feeling pleased that I’m on a downward trend); took my blood glucose reading (which clocked in at  a new low: 9.8 mmol/L), took my medication & supplements; brushed my teeth; showered; & got dressed. As I headed down the hallway, mum came out of her room, asking why I was dressed up. She’d forgotten that on Mondays I was out of the house. I’m not proud, but we exchanged some extremely sharp barbs over this. I left the house with it unresolved, & it left me feeling guilty, ashamed, & broken. June has been off to a horrible start.

I USED THE WORD 'EMERGING' BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO LET OURSELVES EASE INTO THE PROCESS. WHAT ARE THE COMFORT ZONES YOU'RE NOTICING SO FAR?

Are you noticing that some prompts are more outside your comfort zones than others? If you find yourself coming up against a comfort zone, could you let yourself use a tool like this and emerge into the photo gently rather than push yourself and make it all or nothing? Can you think of any other times you let yourself stretch into an experience, step by step and let yourself emerge gently?

The weight of depression is grinding me down. After art history, I drove downtown to see my new primary care physician, Dr Tundeep Bassi. “But you can call me Dr T!” he proclaimed. He’s so young, as though he should be in a university class instead of running a medical practice. The office I’ve known for 17 years has been made over, with new linoleum flooring replacing tight knit beige carpeting with freshly painted walls. He’s referring me to an endocrinologist to get my diabetes under control, which scares me. I don’t want to become dependent on insulin injections. I want to reverse this.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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June 02, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY 2: OUR BODY, OUR BREATH

I think it's SO common for us to hold our breath in photos but that disconnects us from our body and enhances any anxiety in our body that might be coming up. How did focusing on the breath feel for you?

HOW DID FOCUSING ON SOME DEEP BREATHS FEEL FOR YOU AS YOU TOOK YOUR SELFIE? DID YOU NOTICE THE URGE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH?

I didn’t sleep well last night. The insomnia that comes with stress had me staring at the ceiling again. I have no tears left to cry. Out of a bored distraction I wander to the bathroom, my blood glucose reading still high at 19 mmol/L at 2am. But it felt good to read 11.4 at 5am. A small victory, even though it was back at 17.4 by noon, it’s hope that I will reach a day when the readings will not only be low, but normal.

Breathing today has been trying. There’s a tightness in my chest borne of my anxiety. The air in my bedroom is stale & I’m ashamed that I’m too lazy to crack the window open. Around 9am, I stepped under a cold shower, the first I’ve had in a long time. At first I want to escape it, but find when I speak lovingly to myself I can see it through. The ice water has this beautiful effect of forcing me breathe more deeply: right into the very depths of my sacral & solar plexus chakras with long, steady breaths.

The only light in my bathroom this morning came in through the window, soft & hazy from the cloudy sky above, lazily filling the space & coating my body pale white. As I dry myself I stop, hand over my heart, my eyes closed, trying to find some kind of solace. After a while, I pick up my iPhone from the windowsill, open the camera app, & closing my eyes again I take my picture while breathing naturally.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER TOOLS FOR GROUNDING THAT YOU USE IN OTHER PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Ponder what tools or actions you take part in to get grounded. Maybe it's making a cup of tea. Maybe it is feeling your feet on the ground or doing mountain pose? Maybe it is noticing your senses. Or maybe it is a crystal you like to hold or a stone in your pocket that helps you get grounded. List them here! And then ponder...could we include some of these as part of our process this month? Could we make ourselves a cup of tea as we're reading the class activities and get grounded before we take our selfie? Or feel the ground beneath our feet before we pick up our camera?

After I finished my shower, I opened the door to find my small, white, Maltese-Poodle Kira waiting for me. Excited, she starts a happy trot down the hallway to head outside. I stopped by my Mom’s bedroom door, & opened it to find her miniature poodle Tiffany waiting for me, greeting me with a playful good-morning of a bark. I opened the door to the garage & the dogs bound over to the door that goes outside. I opened it to watch them sprint across the pavement towards the lusciously wet grass. I follow, breathing in the cool moist air as a drizzle hits my skin. For a moment I’m grounded in the present moment, the stress of yesterday having slipped away for a time. Soon, the dogs are finished their business & before I know it we’re snuggled on the couch with the fireplace on, as I drift away for a late morning nap.

Before heading out later in the day, I put on a rich blue, Lapis Lazuli bracelet. Specifically it has 17 polished stones of various rectilinear shapes. The Charms of Light website describes the properties of Lapis as follows:

“A stone of protection that may be worn to guard against psychic attacks, Lapis Lazuli quickly releases stress, bringing deep peace.  It brings harmony and deep inner self-knowledge.  Encourages self-awareness, allows self-expression and reveals inner truth, providing qualities of honesty, compassion and morality to the personality.  Stimulates objectivity, clarity and encourages creativity.  Lapis Lazuli assists to confront and speak one’s truth and inspires confidence.  It bonds relationships, aiding in expression of feelings and emotions.

Lapis Lazuli boosts the immune system, purifies blood, lowers blood pressure, cooling and soothing areas of inflammation.  It alleviates insomnia and vertigo, and overcomes depression.  Lapis Lazuli benefits the respiratory and nervous systems and the throat, vocal cords, and thyroid, cleanses organs, bone marrow and thymus.”

I also put on a heart shaped Bumblebee Jasper necklace. It’s also polished, which sharpens its orange, black and sandy brown swirls. The Crystal Council website notes how:

“Bumblebee Jasper is a great life talisman that is here to help keep you “buzzing” throughout your day, even when negative energies constantly come your way. This stone helps you maintain a positive and upbeat attitude through the daily stresses of life, while encouraging you to continue your own spiritual evolution. So often can the societal stress you have placed upon yourself override and suppress your soul’s growth and true potential. This can lead you to eventual sadness and depression as your mind and subconscious become imbued with falsehoods. Bumblebee Jasper will prevent that mindset from infecting you or your aura, and instead will push you closer than ever to finding your life’s purposes. Simply by activating and connecting your solar plexus and sacral chakras, you will become more in touch with yourself and understand your deep emotional body. These sacred attributes housed in your lower chakra system are the driving force of what you do and why you do it. You may refer to this as your “engine”, as your gut houses the most powerful emotions offered in this realm. Bumblebee Jasper will help “oil” your engine and provide you with a smooth ride through life.”

For a time in 2020, I would meditate with the stones I picked to wear that day. I’d start by cleansing them, returning them to their base resonant frequency by playing one of my small metal singing bowls. I have seven small bowls altogether, each one attuned to the specific frequency of a different chakra. But I haven’t done this in years. It’s time to start again… if I can find them.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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June 01, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post (Be Your Own Beloved Edition)

DAY  1:  TAKING  THE  FIRST  STEP

WHAT  ARE  YOU  HOPING  FOR  IN  THE  JOURNEY  AHEAD  THIS  MONTH?

As  we begin  this  month  of  opening  up  to  seeing  ourselves  with  kindness  through  our  cameras,  what  are you  hoping  for?

I went to sleep last night with an optimism that was crushed when I went to White Rock U-Lock to catch up on my storage locker payments. Grey fingerprint like swooshes on my black cane matched the cloudy sky above as I hobbled into their front office. Buried in my pocket, my left hand clenched my debit card & 10 $100 dollar bills. That cash, alongside a debit payment should have settled the debt, unlocking my online access so I could pay for my through year’s end. I greeted a lady at the front desk, explaining why I was there. She looked up my account, but it wasn’t there. Eventually she found 2 closed accounts: 1 for a small locker I had from 2008-‘13; & a larger one I’d had since ‘13.

“What do you mean closed?” I asked, my body beginning to shake with a trembling that flowed from my brain down along my spine & into my body like water being released from a damn. She said that my unit had been emptied on May 30, having been auctioned off earlier in the month. With that, my knees gave way as the soft wail of “No, no, no, no…” escaped my lips, melting into a sobbing as I hit the floor, curling into a kind of fetal position, aching all over, eventually hitting my face with my fists for how stupid I was. Tears stained my face when I realized my glasses had fallen off. As I picked them and myself off the floor I saw the left lens had popped out of the now broken frame. I desperately scanned the floor for the lens & soon found it. I then grabbed my debit card from the counter & pushed the cash towards the people on the other side, each piece taking flight & gently falling towards their desk & floor as I walked out. Fighting back more tears, I shouted out how I’d sue them all as I cobbled back to my SUV.

The last few weeks have been a struggle as I continue to battle my high blood sugar. My right arm has also been so stiff that I’ve had trouble picking things up, with pain trying to even grasp a pen to write. Yesterday, I took my blood sugar readings with a regularity my ADHD would be proud of: 17.6 mmol/L at 7am; 25.2 before lunch; 21.8 after it; 26.6 at 5pm; 13.7 at 8pm when I had dinner; then 18.4 at 10pm; & it’s hovered at 18 all day today. As I sit here looking at my phone, staring down at my legs, I wonder why I keep messing up.

I had been in touch over email with the location’s manager, an Abraham (Abe) Escobar, who for some reason I’ve always  pictured as being a portly older gentleman with a big smile, a grey moustache, glasses, slightly balding with grey hair left on the sides & back of his head like a young Patrick Stewart. He was aware of my health issues that have had me at the hospital almost daily since mid-January. My account with them fell into trouble when I was tight on funds earlier this year. So, after 2 missed payments, White Rock U-Lock puts a hold on your access to their website payment portal. When I received funds again in April, I pleaded with them to release my online access, which they refused to do (what’s weirder is a demand letter from them sent to me by e-mail said payment could be made online). I clearly noted I was prepared to pay the entire outstanding amount, plus an amount that would carry me forward into next year. My last email to them was in May, the night I was in the hospital after collapsing in front of the police officers due to my blood sugar being over 25 mmol/L. I never got any final notification about my account being closed & my locker being sold. U-Lock has my cell number, my email, and my mailing address. I had received texts from them about paying, but never received any notification or calls that they were going to sell. My last text message from them was February 19, 2024.

I drove to Southpoint Exchange Mall, where I parked & broke down crying. I sent a few short video messages about the situation to a few friends. And I recalled everything I had in the locker: 4 steel shelves full of blank sketchbooks; boxes of unopened Star Wars Lego sets including a Millennium Falcon (which I was saving to build one day with my kid, should I ever be lucky enough to have one); dozens of new canvases of various sizes; an assortment of wood, plastic, and metal pieces saved for future sculptures; some old window frames I intended to use as the surface for future artworks; a tree sculpture made out of metal which I had made in Kent Anderson’s sculpture course (along with my ex-girlfriend’s large metal bird she had made in the same course); an old chair & table I’d used in an art installation; a few dozen election signs from various past elections which I had used in a series of installations in different parks and wanted to play with again one day; various costumes I’d used in performance art; a large Halloween skull; computer parts; tarps; framed photos I’d printed and used in different local art shows; several vintage typewriters I’d used in several installations; several slide projectors; several small monitors for displaying videos in exhibits; as well as styrofoam pieces I’d used in past sculptures (like the giant donut I made one year). I’m probably forgetting a lot, but there was easily over $10,000 worth of items in the locker: the basis for starting & maintaining a studio art career once I finished my degree. All pissed away because of my stroke, my depression, diabetes, and fucked up feet.

What  would  you  love  to  feel  in  this  experience?

I am desperate to feel positive again. It feels like whenever I get going again something knocks me back down. And having lost so many things this week, things that took me 16 years to collect, feels like I’ve taken a huge punch to my gut. It feels like some vulture swooped in a stole a huge part of my life, a huge part of who I want to be.

Are  there  certain  types  of  selfies  you hope  to  capture?

I want to continue experimenting with how I look at myself. I find I often get stuck in a sea of negativity. A sea of persistent negative thinking. And that’s reflected in how my selfies and written reflections I end up posting. I keep thinking of all I’ve lost, what was kept? What’s been trashed? Can I get it back?

IT  CAN  BE  POWERFUL  TO  GIVE  VOICE  TO  WHAT  WE'RE  NERVOUS  OR FEARFUL  OF  TOO.  WHAT  FEARS  OR  WORRIES  ARE  ON  YOUR  MIND? By  giving  them  space  to  be  heard  and  knowing  that  they  might  come  up  again,  it  can  help  us  begin  to diffuse  their  power  over  us!

HAVE  YOU  TAKEN  YOUR  PHOTO  ALREADY?  IF  NOT...ARE  YOU  FEELING RESISTANT?  IF  SO,  IT'S  TOTALLY  OKAY  AND  LET'S  EXPLORE  WHY!

You  might  find  that  with  this  or  any  prompt,  you  feel  resistant.  That  is  totally  okay  and  it  can  actually  be  a really  good  thing  as  it's  a  sign  that  there  is  change  ahead.  Your  inner  critic  doesn't  want  you  to  change and  it  works  really  hard  to  prevent  that.  So  when  we  feel  that  resistant  feeling  it's  usually  a  sign  that  we SHOULD do it,  no  matter  what  our  inner  critic  says.  So  let's  compassionately  and  playfully  step  into  our resistance  to  a  prompt,  keep  going...keep  trying.  Out  past  our  resistance  is  our  realizations!

Plus,  we're  on  Day  1  of  a  class,  beginning  a  process  of  taking  a  photo  every  day!  Today  is  about creating that  motion  in  the  process  and  this  space  it  to  let  yourself  acknowledge  the  resistance  and  see  what happens  next!

If I drank, I’d probably be doing that right now. But I don’t. All day since leaving the storage office my mind has desired to stuff my face with donuts from Hillcrest Bakery, chocolate bars from Thrifty Foods and London Drugs reached out towards me calling my name: “Steven, Steven - just one bite! Come on dude!” The image of myself in the front seat of my SUV tearing into a Reese Peanut Butter Cup and devouring all three so quickly passed through my mind, alongside the reading on my blood glucose meter ticking up higher and higher. But I resisted.

I don’t know what to do about the locker. A quick Google search revealed that the White Rock U-Lock earned over $4,000 from its auction, for a debt that would have been no more than $1,500. I’m terribly heartbroken, knowing I have to fight this somehow, but also having so much work to do at my place, my Mom’s and for the last few weeks of my condensed art history course. I’m terrified I’m going to fall into flight mode again, a slippery slope into depression that will probably result in me losing everything if I’m not careful.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram

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May 29, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

May 29, 2024: At 4:40am, my @epsoncanada XP-850 spat out small 4x6 images of my life, photo after photo, some complete, but many that randomly stopped after printing only a partial image. It was very awkward and annoying. What should have taken 15-20m stretched out to just over an hour’s time wasted, each failed print leaving me more and more agitated. I threw each failed print onto the small table next to my desk. As the time stretched on, I ripped up some of the glossy paper, letting the pieces float down onto the table and floor. Others I crumpled up and threw to the ground. It feels odd to throw paper, no matter the amount of anger behind the throw, the paper refused to move at a faster rate. No damage was done by any of the discarded pieces. Eventually, I managed to get the twenty or so images I wanted printed, but it took far too long.

In between the printing of each image, I took the time to brush my teeth, take my medication, and find a suitable outfit to wear which consisted of a pair of blackish-grey @levis jean shorts, a black t-shirt that says, “WE ARE ALL HUMAN,” and several necklaces: my bumblebee jasper heart, another with a chunk of carnelian, and a third with a tiny chunk of amethyst. On my left wrist went my rich royal blue lapis lazuli bracelet, and on my right, my @fitbit Sense 2, whose battery has already drained to 65%, after only 24 hours of use since its last charge. It recorded my sleep, 3 hours and 2 minutes, which only beat my average time of 2 hours and 51 minutes Fitbit says I’ve earned over the last month. Insomnia sucks.

I took my blood pressure this morning for the first time in about a year. It’s not too bad, considering I forgot to take my diabetes and blood pressure medication last night. I’m seeing my doctor on Monday, so I want to send him some numbers regarding my health and I’m disheartened to see everything going up. In addition to my high blood pressure, my blood sugar was crazy high today, and I’ve put on eleven pounds since reaching 191 earlier this year. I had emailed him last week, arguing that my antidepressant could probably be lowered but after today’s readings, how can I look up?

This was originally posted to Flickr and Instagram.

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May 19, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Another fairly unproductive day slipped by so fast. I didn’t sleep in today, and found time to cut up some ham, yellow peppers, and tomatoes to fold into scrambled eggs. I served it with organic nitrate free bacon from @armandosmeats alongside croissants I picked up on Friday from @beaucoupbakery in Vancouver.

I was slow to clean up however, choosing instead to crawl back into bed with my dog Kira. She ended up next to me on her back, wiggling and squirming to sustain my attention and sucker me into giving her belly a massage with her lovable cuteness serving as her lure. Eventually I fell asleep, waking up to find her curled up in her blanket on the other side of the bed.

My late lunch found me eating a bacon-cheese hot dog with a side of little fries and a bottle of water at @fiveguys @fiveguysca. I brought a journal with me but ended up not writing anything in it. I just ate, caught Pokémon and watched others chatting as they waited for their orders. There was one other woman sitting alone, eating her burger and fries. Everyone else had someone with them, someone to talk to. It seems odd but I think I was the only one who appeared to be distracted by a mobile device.

Not long after, I was wandering the aisles of @walmartcanada to get some cleaning and laundry supplies for my Mum. Her list felt long as she’s used up a lot of stuff in recent months. I’m usually not one to shop here, but when it comes to these supplies, I’ve found their prices to be pretty good. Even better than @costco_canada which used to be our go to place for these things. I also picked up a couple of pairs of sandals: one for walking, the other to wear while doing yard work.

When my shopping was done, I ended up at a @starbuckscanada, where I worked on reviewing notes from my History of Photography course: slowly organizing them into a course blog on my artist’s website.

When I got to my Mom’s, I gathered up the recycling and organize waste to put them in their appropriate containers and wheel them to the curb. I noticed how the tone of the scratchy rough hum of the solid plastic wheels was more muted when the cart had more weight in it.

Now, I sleep.

This was originally posted to Flickr and Instagram.

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