May 16, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I want to beat myself up for sleeping in today. I don’t even remember being up late. I felt very drained last night, falling asleep fairly quickly once my head hit the pillow.

Once I did get up, the day moved along fairly quickly. I had a small bowl of organic, low sugar cereal with strawberries and raspberries cut into it. I then got dressed, and by the time I was in my Mom’s front yard, trimming the edges where the lawn met the sidewalk and the floral beds, it wasn’t that far past noon. The trimming took about forty minutes to finish, at which time I proceeded to cut the front and back grass. I then showered, putting on some clean clothes and hitting the road by 2:30pm.

I then lost my cool, as Google Maps said it would take almost 45 minutes to get to the @CineplexMovies in Langley. MAD MAX was starting at 3pm. I was going to be late. I did my best to retain my composure when I felt my temper rise, as there was nothing I could do to speed things up. My monkey mind tried to criticize myself, for not doing the lawn earlier. But again, it was nothing that could be fixed.

The theatre was empty. I was late but not too late - there was plenty of Mel Gibson left to see. After the show, I was headed to @StarbucksCanada to write but killed that idea when I realized Redwood Park was nearby, and listening to @JuliaCameronLive’s WALKING IN THIS WORLD, I decided to go for a walk, feet be damned. I needed the exercise.

I spent an hour walking, doing my best to not take photos with my phone for just over half the time. I stayed off Social Media, didn’t text a soul. The moments of solitude were contemplative. I tried my best to be in the moment, to be mindful of the moment. My thoughts wandered from school, to organizing I had to do, to THE ARTISTS WAY, my Dad, Robert, and feeling alone again. I yearned to hold someone’s hand, to chat with, to laugh with, and listen to. I yearned to feel the warmth of the sun and their body as we hugged, and then kissed.

I had brought my Bob Ross backpack with the intent to stop and write but that ultimately didn’t happen. I’m now at home, in bed, ready to sleep. Feeling grounded, ready to face tomorrow.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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May 15, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

It’s after 10pm on Wednesday night, and I realize I haven’t taken any kind of a selfie today. So, not wanting to lift myself up and out of bed, I turn my phone’s camera and take this closeup of my ear, neck, and t-shirt covered shoulder.

My blood sugar is still high but I’m not feeling as lethargic as I did so many times last week. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out or throw up, and on one level I’d categorize that as a win. I’m tired now, but it’s late, and I’ve been on the go since I dragged myself out of bed at around 8am this morning.

I reach over to run the fingers of my left hand through the velvet soft hair of my Maltese-Poodle pup, Kira. She’s already asleep, lost in her dreams. I let my fingers I’m nodding off too, so I think it’s time to say goodnight.

Tomorrow I cut the grass and see MAD MAX on the big screen.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram .

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May 10, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

There was a red light at 24th Avenue, so I found myself in little rush to speed up to the stop as I headed northbound on 142 Street in South Surrey around 4:30pm this afternoon. I was heading to the Safeway to try to find a good green pepper for my elderly Mum and some cream of wheat cereal as I noticed a large grey Dodge Ram weaving back and forth directly behind me in my rear view mirror.

Two males were in the truck, in my rear view mirror I could see the driver angrily mouthing his frustration at not rushing toward the red light. His frustration became mine to a degree as I wondered what his rush was. He then tried passing me on my right, had he not been so impatient I would have gone right into the left turn lane, instead I stayed centred between both lanes as I came to a stop for the red. I could see his truck’s right side rise up onto the sidewalk as he kept moving forward, turning his vehicle towards and in front of me as his front right tire returned to the roadway, and the rear side door of his truck came into contact with the right side corner of my SUV. He opened his door, glaring at me and saying firmly, “Look what you did.” I don’t remember a lot of what he said as he approached my drivers window, as I just looked ahead, refusing to make eye contact with him. Refusing to get out of my car as he goaded me on to do. Eventually I yelled back at him, and reversed my car so it was no longer in contact with his. “Look at that! Are you going to pay for that?” He asked. I felt the lingering tingling sensation in my right arm and shoulder tense up as he kept goading me on, remaining relatively calm all the while.

“What I did?!” I shouted back. “You’re the one who was swerving around behind me. You’re the one who was so impatient, wanting to race to a fucking red!” By this time I had rolled my window down so he could clearly hear what I was shouting shakily. A long line of vehicles was now behind us. “Your impatience drove you to hump over the sidewalk, who the fuck does that?!”

A second driver had come up to us, yelling at me, as if I was the one to blame for everything. The first driver asked his passenger if he’d taken photos and video of all of this, he responded in the affirmative action, “I got his plate number and called the police.” I heard his passenger friend say. I kept yelling at the driver of the Dodge and the new driver trying to play the role of negotiator, but eventually he gave up and left.

I continued to reiterate to the driver that this was his fucking fault, even pointing at him as if that would make my truth somehow stand firmer. Part of me wanted to break down in tears but I held that back, letting it simmer with the tingly tension in my right arm and shoulder. The driver threatened, “Point at me again and I’ll fucking break your finger!”

“Break them, go ahead and break all of them!” I yelled back, and kept pointing my left hand’s middle finger. “Break them off and fucking suck on them!” At this point he was returning to his truck, and he started it up, turning right onto 24th before pulling into the small empty parking lot of a realty office. He got out of the car and joined his passenger friend on the corner as vehicles passed around me on each side of my SUV.

Both hands clenched my steering wheel. I stared ahead, tears in my eyes, refusing to engage with his impatience any longer. Eventually I saw a police SUV a few clicks behind me, and I decided to also turn onto 24th, turning into the parking lot of the Evergreen Pharmacy and South Surrey’s only movie theatre, the Caprice. I pulled into a shady spot, so I wouldn’t have to worry about the late afternoon sun bearing down on me, turning my vehicle into an immobile oven. Two SPD police cars parked next to me, walking up to the driver of the truck who was still out of truck, which sat directly in the middle of that mini-parking lot.

I could hear a bit to what he told the officer, and knowing he was bull-shitting, I yelled “His impatience led to this! Make sure he tells you about driving up over the sidewalk!” Eventually the officers came to my side of my car and we talked. He could tell I didn’t look well, and I did say how my blood sugar levels had been through the roof that week, leaving me feeling sick a lot of the time. Thankfully the lunch I had an hour earlier had left me feeling more grounded, with a higher level of energy, leaving me hopeful for the weekend. I showed him my blood glucose readings from the last few days, the highest being from Tuesday. He was concerned about my levels, and said I might want to get checked out at the hospital.

Ultimately, the first Surrey Police Department officer said they really didn’t care who was at fault, “We just wanted to help insure a smooth information exchange and get everyone on their way.” It was then that I realized my insurance may or may be expired, but he wasn’t worried about that either, saying that I should be able to renew that online right there and be on my way. I appreciated his kindness and calm demeanour.

Eventually he said I should come look at the front corner of my car, so I complied, getting out of my vehicle, walking to the front, seeing white marks on the front right corner of my baby, which I was actually able to rub off with my hand. There was no indentation. But it was then that my legs gave way, and I fell forward onto the left side of my body, my right arm involuntarily shaking as I tried using it to keep myself upright, but failing that, letting it just fall to my side. The stress of the moment had got to me.

I heard the other officer calling it in, asking for someone out there to dispatch a bus. Ok, he didn’t say bus, that’s the Law & Order term used in New York. He used the acronym common to Surrey, British Columbia. Three letters I can’t remember. The first officer asked how I was, and helped me up, suggesting I sit in the shade, and then just in my car while we wait for the ambulance. Eventually they came and the male attendant took my blood sugar: 25 point something. The female attendant asked if I knew my name: “Steven Lee.” And the year? “2, 2, 2024.” I stuttered. I saw the blood pool on top of my skin as the male attendant wrapped a bandage over my freshly picked finger.

Before leaving my locked car, one of the officers kindly agreed to take the groceries I had gotten my Mum to her, and the female ambulance attendant took my backpack which had a few journals in it and my iPad.

In the ambulance they pulled over at one point to setup a new IV, so I could be started on a bag of 0.9% Sodium Chloride Injection. It’s cliche, but the emergency personnel guy said I was looking as pale as a ghost, and indeed I was. A pale shade of white, bringing me close to the skin colour of an albino. I felt super nauseous so he also administered an injection of gravol. “This will make you sleepy though.” And I was okay with that. “We’re done!” He said with a louder voice and the female attendant started up the bus again, turning on the sirens to ease us back into the rush hour traffic of 156th street.

So here I am, almost three hours since the guy had lost his patience, and I forgot to be mindful to just let him pass. But I needed to come in. I was in the same spot of the inside of the ambulance bay that I was after my stroke sixteen months ago. Snapchat showed me my life a year ago today: I had lunch at Montgomery’s Cottage Lunch. A one piece fish and chips, with a vanilla milkshake and a side of delicious homemade coleslaw. My messages were clearly recorded for one person and one person only: Alanna Millar. I miss her so much. Later that day I was power washing the backyard seating area concrete, removing the grime and muck that had stained the concrete during the fall and winter of 2022-2023.

But I’ve been putting this off and spirit brought the hammer down to get me in here, to be tested and looked at. Mum got the vegetables from officer. I’m feeling dizzy again. I don’t know if it’s from the blood sugar or the gravol. I want to pee and fuck, I’m feeling thirsty. A young kid has been crying in pain since I go here. My heart aches for him, and I ask spirit to ease his suffering. May he be happy. May he be healthy. May he live a long life with ease.

May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live a long life with ease.

The boy’s crying has eased. His family is singing to him, to soothe and comfort him. It seems to be working. Poor little guy.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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April 23, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

On Sunday, April 21, while unloading my SUV of 3 bags of groceries, 2 cases of toilet paper, as well as 2 floral pots of summer annuals for Mum’s front porch, I glanced down at my feet to see the sock on my right foot soaked in bright red blood.

Horrified, I proceeded to the guest bathroom & slipped off the offloading footwear I had been wearing, & then my blood covered sock. A small piece of skin & the toenail of my second toe, also known as the long toe, flew up through the air, landing on the bathroom floor. Where the toenail had once been was a patch of red, which trailed along the front of my foot, filling up the crevices of the rest of my toes. I slipped off my t-shirt & jean shorts, & hobbled to the shower where I turned it on. The water ran over my leg & foot, as the blood mixed with the water, swirling around on the tiles of the shower floor & down the drain as if I was the dying star of Alfred Hitchcock’s PSYCHO. I pour some isopropyl alcohol over the toe & foot, & hobble back to the tub where I can sit.

“Are you okay?” I heard my Mom say from the other side of the bathroom door. “Do you need any help wrapping your foot?”

“I’m okay.” I say as I sit my nude body down on a towel covering the side of the tub. I pull a few bandages out & apply them to the impacted toe after drying it off. It’s not bleeding like it was, & the bandages go on with ease. I got dressed again, as I had a movie I had tickets for, & I was damned if I was going to miss that.

Fast forward 48 hours, & the nurse at the wound care clinic is just as horrified by the new wound on my right foot. The long toe is yucky, & its healing will take time. Which sucks, as the great toe on my left foot has been healing, although it’s been taking time. She invites another nurse in to look at the latest open scar. The other nurse notes that the great toe on my right foot looks like it’s on the verge of opening up again. Because diabetes. Both agree, I should go to the ER, where I am now. Waiting.

Today I finished the last of my oral antibiotics. Wound care thinks I’ll probably be re-admitted for another six weeks of IV antibiotics treatment. Fun.

This was originally posted to Flickr and Instagram.

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April 10, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

From April 10, 2024: today was another day that slipped by slowly at first, as I once again slept late, eventually ending up at the White Rock @starbuckscanada where I worked on a written reflection for a @udemy course by @sufanisplaceofbliss on the divine inspiration for writing. My reflection starts by focusing on a young boy in his childhood bedroom, creating strange new worlds with his @lego. I then tie that world of creativity into a reflection about why I express myself creatively through the act of writing.

I’m happy with the piece so far, but upset that I’m not finishing it fast enough. And as the days move on, I feel myself feeling a little more lost than I was the day before, a little less grounded, a little more groggy. The pain at night exhausts me, and I’m embarrassed I haven’t done anything about it. Next week marks another birthday coming and going, another birthday with nothing planned, and it exhausts me not having the energy to do anything. To not invite my friends to spend time together, friends I haven’t seen now in years. I can’t even remember the last time I celebrated. It’s been over a decade now for sure. Probably closer to 15 years now. When I first dated Jessie. Feels like yesterday. I wish I had those 15 years to do over again. Don’t we all?

This was originally posted to Flickr and Instagram.

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April 09, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

The midday sun cast its light onto my car as I wrote out my story of pain into the notes application on my iPhone. From blood in my stools three or four times in the last month; to the sharp sensation of pain firing across the muscles in my hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and upper back: I referenced what I could and on what dates I had experienced different symptoms. My intention was to print it and bring it with me to my wound care appointment, but I wasn’t able to do it because the errands I was running took too long and I didn’t have enough time to run home and print it out.

So I went to my wound care appointment without the information. Which ended up being okay. I updated the nurse about the continuing pain, which I had originally mentioned to her last week. I told her how the antibiotics might be causing the symptoms due to a conflict with my antidepressant, and that the pharmacist had said to go to the ER if the pain continued. Ultimately, she concurred with the pharmacist: going to the ER would allow them to run a gamut of tests quickly to help pinpoint the problem. More quickly than trying to see the wound clinic physicians or even my primary care physician. She said it was important to go, especially since I have had a history with diabetes, high blood pressure, and of course, stroke.

Today, my toe looked a bit more bloody. But the nurse wasn’t too concerned. I felt a little down, knowing more time would pass until I got answers as to what was wrong with me. But it wouldn’t be tonight, as I had to get dinner for Mum when I finished up at the hospital. Maybe on Wednesday I could go: I don’t know. I resurrected a letter I had started writing my strata last year, and know I’ll need to finish that tomorrow. I’ve also booked a ticket for DUNE 2 on the IMAX for Thursday at Noon, the last showing for it in that format. I haven’t even seen the first DUNE, nor the original 1980s version (the extended cut arrived on the weekend). I’ve listened to about six hours of the audible version, it’s twenty-two hours in total! And I watched a documentary called Jodorowsky’s Dune about a scrapped 1970s movie by director Alejandro Jodorowsky.

This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

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April 08, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Wow, the pain in my left arm is back with a vengeance, & as before it’s in my back and running up my neck. I took 2 extra strength @tylenol @tylenolcanada, as well as a nighttime @benadrylcanada as I was also very itchy. I also used a pain relief spray for muscles by @sierrasil_health, but nothing seems to be helping. I also have a horrible headache.

Not sure what to do. I walked the hallway, trying to do simple stretches to no avail. The pharmacist said if things continue to go to the ER, but looking online, the waiting time at Peace Arch is still over six hours. I’m hoping the Benadryl kicks in & puts me to sleep soon (and actually I think it is, thank God).

I felt better earlier today, after doing the yardwork. I thought maybe the movement had been good for me. So I don’t know why this is happening. I just want to feel normal again. I’d give anything to feel normal again. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Anything.

This post was originally featured on Flickr and Instagram.

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April 07, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Today felt slightly more productive, although when I got up I had a regrettable shouting match with my Mum. She rightfully gets upset with things I’ve not done yet: from cleaning & organizing the guest room at her place; to putting the rest of the holiday decorations away; to getting the garage in order; & dealing with my strata. I wish we didn’t get into these fights, but I understand her frustration.

In the afternoon, I did get the patios, walkways, the driveway, & the sidewalks in front of Mom’s house blown clear of an accumulation of leaves, as well as other twigs & needles from the nearby trees. I now need to try & make time to start attacking a different section of the yard each week to get it all ready for summer. I think I can do this, without letting it overwhelm me. Plus, the exercise will be good for my overall health.

The only annoying part was how the sock on my left foot kept sliding off as I wore my offloading footwear as I worked. When I do work involving me cleaning up the garden beds & cutting the lawn, I’ll have to wear regular shoes, but today I found it was okay to wear the offloading footwear.

At 4pm, I saw GODZILLA x KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE in 3D on the IMAX in Langley. It was okay: loud & fast paced once the action got going, but it’s nothing that hasn’t been done before. With the incredible destruction that happens, it would be nice to see the impact of that. Sometimes I wish they’d tell these stories as streaming series, where more of the human side could be shown alongside the larger action set pieces.

It was good to get out. But I find myself itching to go for some nature walks, & to visit some art galleries. It’s been too long. I’m okay going alone, but I am dreading going back as in the past I’d usually haul Robert Kovacic out with me, which was easy to do as he lived on the route I’d take when heading downtown.

I also listened to & took notes for another section of a writing course I’m working through on @udemy with @sufanisplaceofbliss academy. It’s focused on what inspires one to right, & finding a routine that works for you. Which is something I need to figure out as I recommit to a creative life.

This post first appeared on Flickr and Instagram.

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April 06, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I’m not sure why I composed this photo to make it appear like I was typing. Especially when I was using my iPad to watch a @udemy course on SELF-COMPASSION while taking notes by hand in my journal dedicated self-love & confidence studies. The 2 women ended up in the shot by accident, as my iPhone was propped up against a bottle of water.

Aside from finishing notes for the SELF-CONFIDENCE course, I can’t say I did much today. I want to put myself down for this, express disappointment in having slept most of the day - but the course taught me to try & view these self-criticisms through the lens of non-judgment. It also encouraged me to try & turn negative thoughts into positive ones. But as I lay here typing, I find myself at a bit of a loss for how to actualize this.

So, a statement hovering in the back of my mind like: “I feel stupid because I didn’t do much today, I wasted it by sleeping late.” This could become: “I didn’t do much today & that’s okay as my body is in pain, slowly healing itself. It needs rest to heal.”

I looked up information on the antibiotic I’m on, & found that it cause issues for some people when paired with my antidepressant. I sent my pharmacy the link to the information sheet & described the intense pain shooting through my stiff arms, into my upper back & up my neck. They phoned me back, saying that they didn’t think the 2 medications should be causing issues, but noted if the pain continues to go to the ER. So far, I haven’t gone, as the wait times online have been over 6 hours all day & I don’t want to sit that long. So, I’ll do my best to grin & bear it, & possibly go on Sunday night when things should be less hectic.

The extended cut of the 1984 David Lynch adaptation of DUNE came from Amazon tonight, as did a 4K edition of the theatrical cut. I’m only 5 hours into the 22 hour audible version of DUNE, which I had hoped to have finished already but haven’t. I’ll watch the Lynch versions in the next few days, followed by the 1st part of Denis Villeneuve’s DUNE before seeing the 70mm 2nd part in theatres on Wednesday or Thursday.

It’s my 1st venture into this world.

This post first appeared on Instagram and Flickr.

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April 05, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

“The muscles in my arms are stiff as the pain ripples through them, into my upper back, and up my neck.” I tell the nurse as she cleans my wounds again. “The pain was very intense last night and has been most of today.”

She shows concern and asks me a few follow up questions, which I can’t remember as I write this entry half an hour before midnight. My appointment at the wound care clinic was at 3pm today, so I know there won’t be any doctors on the floor for them to talk to. My best hope is that she makes a note of it in my file for someone to review next week.

One question I do remember is if I’ve heard back from the specialist I saw two weeks ago. “No, I’ve not heard anything from his office.”

“Maybe no news is good news then?” She says with a smile, and it’s an answer I’ve relayed verbatim to others myself over the last week when asked if I’d heard anything on that front.

I still feel dizzy today. Weak. This morning before breakfast my blood glucose was 14.7 mmol/L. I had two double yolk eggs, over-easy, with a couple of slices of bacon. All organic. No toast. I then had a short nap, and my reading was 14.6 mmol/L, a slight victory for me, as usually it’s gone up after I eat.

I didn’t do any journaling today. But I did read the first few pages of a book by Dr Elizabeth Maynard Schaefer, WRITING THROUGH THE DARKNESS which purports to offer “…a menu of writing approaches—freewriting, memoir, poetry, and storytelling—to alleviate the anguish, confusion, and pain associated with depression.” I decided to turn to it as my writing has so often focussed on how my anxiety and major depression feels in the moment, but seldom do I look at how I can move past it - which is something I need to start actualizing if I want to move past this shit.

If you look at this photo closely you can see the hole in my left foot’s great toe that’s taking forever to heal. I think I need to put to writing the symptoms I’ve had since they put me on these horse pill antibiotics. Something I can give to the wound care nurse on Tuesday.

The pain is just too much. I gotta get it under control.

Tomorrow I’ll try to cut the grass.

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This post was originally published on Flickr and Instagram.

April 04, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

The pain rests in my upper back & neck, running through my shoulders & down into both arms as I lay in bed trying to get some sleep. Shifting to either side just amplifies the discomfort in whatever side I’m resting on.

My blood sugar this morning when I woke up was 9.9 mmol/L, the first time below 10 since I started taking measurements in March. I had a slice of toast, a couple of eggs & a few slices of bacon for breakfast: but my adter breakfast reading came in at just under 18 mmol/L.

I was so tired, but managed to get my ass over to Peace Arch Hospital for the last group therapy session. But that wasn’t before I had checked the mail to find correspondence from Dwell Property Management threatening once again to put a lien on my family’s unit where I live, & apply to the Supreme Court of British Columbia to sell my home. When money was super tight for me this spring 2 monthly strata payments were missed. No phone calls, no emails, just this cold , stern letter from our property manager, treating me as if I was some kind of criminal.

After I parked, I caught a glimpse of my pale apparition in the driver’s sideview mirror as I stepped out of my SUV. I contemplated skipping group to head to the ER but decided to push on through & get to group. During group, I broke down sobbing, as I was so overwhelmed with everything else I’m behind with. My right hand shook in-spite of the painful tension running up my arm. Somehow I mumbled my way through these revelations to those around me listening.

I spoke to feeling stupid & ashamed, of how this spring has felt like a complete failure once again. Month after month in paralysis, unable to move forward, just falling further behind with life. The group therapists offered to help find me an advocate to deal with my strata, & it’s an offer I took them up on. I do have the money now to pay the outstanding amount, but want to remind them about the situation with my mental & physical health over the past year. They should know though. I slept awhile tonight, having a bowl of soup for dinner. But now I’ll sleep again.

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

April 03, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

April 4, 2024: All night I’d felt weak & nauseous, with a headache to boot. I knew my blood sugar was probably high but I’ve been avoiding taking a reading since last week. But to be honest, I didn’t think it would be this high: 33.1 mmol/L.

I’ve seen a few movies at @cineplexmovies in the last week & the worst cheat I indulged in was a pack of strawberry @twizzlers which I split across several days. I had popcorn without any toppings. I also chose ice water as my drink of choice: successfully suppressing the cravings I’ve had for @cocacola.

But on Tuesday I broke down & had a coke.

Wednesday was my little Maltese-Poodle Kira’s birthday. So I made organic blueberry pancakes for my Mum & me, which had blueberries & strawberries as a topping. The sweetest thing was whip cream I made from scratch using organic @avalondairybc whipping cream. To it, I added about half a teaspoon of organic cane sugar & some organic vanilla extract. I did have 3 or 4 pancakes, which weren’t too big: I keep them to the size of the palm of my hand.

A late lunch consisted of a chicken salad sandwich on organic multigrain bread. 2 slices of cheddar cheese; mustard; mayo; lettuce; tomato; sprouts; spinach; red & green peppers; purple onion; cucumber; pickles; as well as a bit of salt & pepper.

I spent some time at @starbuckscanada writing & did cheat there: a grande strawberry açai drink, which was on special for $4 (feels ironic that I burped just now & found I can still taste it). I also had a hot tea, with a splash of milk, no sweeteners, & a small bag of their potato chips.

Later, I had @bobsredmill creamy wheat at my Mum’s (where I am now, deciding to stay over because of how I feel). I was gonna top it with cinnamon, but Mum had already put a spoonful of brown sugar on it, which probably sent me over the top before taking my reading.

After the reading I took a couple of Metformin, as well as some fenugreek. I also drank water with organic apple cider vinegar & lemon juice in it. I’d love to walk but with my feet, I have to keep the pressure off of them. It’s such a catch-22: I need to exercise to lower my A1c, but can’t cause sugars are eating the bones in my feet.

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This post originally appeared on Flickr and Instagram.

March 15, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

As I navigated my maroon SUV off of North Bluff Road, I was grateful for being able to park again on 156a ST in @thecityofsurrey, about 2 blocks away from Peace Arch Hospital. The sun warmed my body as I lumbered down out of my vehicle, walking around its perimeter to the passenger side to get my @bobross_thejoyofpainting backpack out. I slung one of its straps over my right shoulder as I let physics glide the car door shut on its own. I reached into my pocket, grasping to find the key fob to activate the car alarm & started my march towards the hospital for my wound care appointment.

My iPhone open, I snapped the odd photo as I moved forward along 16th Avenue. An abandoned t-shirt lay sprawled over the curb & onto the road, it’s white tag standing in contrast with the sunlit black cotton that lay alone, mere centimetres from traffic that sped by on the busy road.

Looking at the world through the lens of my iPhone sometimes distracts me from the silent throbbing that echoes up into my body from the injured great toe on my right foot.

I snap another photo of the green mesh fencing that’s been bent & twisted off of its metal frame. It once surrounded a house that’s now gone, on a large city block devoid of human life, with trees that still dot this land of previously manicured yards. These lots will soon be home to new towers of 12-15 stories, where the memories that live with these trees & this fence will disappear forever.

I park a few blocks away on purpose: to avoid paying the $6-10 dollars that the @cityofwhiterock charges to park close to the hospital. If I’d been smart, I’d have parked on 156a ST last year too. Maybe then I’d be able to afford the antibiotics I’m supposed to be taking right now.

I struggle with the tongs that are provided to allow visitors to grab a medical face mask. I pull one out but the tongs spring from my right hand & onto the floor. “Sigh,” is the sound that escapes my mouth as I try bending my knees to bring my body low enough to grab the tongs & return them to the small cart they live on. I register & head up to wound care.

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

March 5, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I look out the door to the room I’m in on the 6th floor of the Peace Arch Hospital in the wound care clinic, as I sit here waiting for a nurse to hook me up for my 49th round of daily IV dose of #antibiotics.

I was almost on time today, just a few minutes late, having stopped at the hospital cafeteria, known as the Eyaleq’ep (Tasty & Delicious) Cafe to grab a second tea, a bottle of water, and an oatmeal raisin cookie. But to be honest, there isn’t really anything tasty or delicious about the food there, which I’m sure is probably just the leftovers of what they made for the patients that day. The water goes down nicely, as I’m still not feeling 110% today. The last few days have sucked for me physically, I have little to no energy and feel like going to puke or pass out half the time. Trying to sleep has been rough when your stomach isn’t settled, and when I dash to the bathroom I wonder if I’ve caught some kinda stomach bug.

I started listening to DUNE on @audible - it’s 22 hours long which will make it the longest book on here that I’ve ever listened to, next to A COURSE IN MIRACLES which is easily double the length of DUNE. I’m only twenty minutes in, but hope to listen to a large chunk of it while doing some housework over the next few days. Ideally I’d like to get through it, and then watch the directors edition of the 1980s film, followed by last year’s PART 1 and finishing with PART 2 on IMAX.

I feel calmer today. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so tired but at this specific moment, I’m happy to say I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out. The nurse has come, she wasn’t told I was here, but she’s hooked up the IV and has started the wound care on my toe which consists of changing the bandages. The swelling looks like it’s come down a bit, but it still has a ways to go before it’s closer to normal.

I want to sleep, but when I’m done here I’ll head to @thriftyfoods to get some chicken to cook for dinner. I have four thighs at home already but want to double it so I won’t have to cook anything tomorrow.

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

February 28, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

“So, tomorrow my appointment is at 9:20, right?” I asked Janice, the wound care nurse as she worked on wrapping my feet the day before.

“I think so, let me check.” she said as she disappeared from the room for a moment. “9:40!” her raised voice from around the corner proclaimed.

“You should’ve told me 9:20,” I joked, referring to my tendency to be late. “Then I might arrive on time for once!” We both laughed. It relieves me that she’s never really been upset over my tardiness. I’ve often struggled to be on time for appointments, classes, meetings.

It used to really piss Jessie off. She once got so upset with me that she got out of my tan sedan, slamming the door behind her as she marched back home after I responded in a snarky & indignant tone to her grievances, as if she should be grateful I’d driven from Vancouver to Richmond just for her. It pissed her Mum off too.

It’s also pissed some of my teachers off. One even developed stricter rules in her course outlines about attendance & tardiness over the years that I sometimes felt she did so just because of me.

And it certainly pisses my Mother off. At least with her I’m on time taking her to appointments. If it’s just to go shopping though, well, that’s another story.

Today, I had to be on time because the wound care doctor was examining my feet. It wasn’t so hopeful. He didn’t seem so optimistic but wanted to stay the course. Amputation came up again & he asked if I’d heard from the specialist yet. “No, I haven’t.”

He gives me a prescription for new offloading footwear, and mentions moving me to a prescription antibiotic. This scares me. As I’m tight on money. In fact, it’s been weeks now since I’ve gotten my depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, & stroke meds. But I don’t tell him this. Just that I wasn’t sure I could afford another drug. “Don’t you have fair pharmacare?” one of the nurses asks.

“No.” I say, adding sheepishly, “…it’s been awhile since I’ve filed my taxes.” They say they can keep me on IV another week, as if that would be enough time to get the taxes done. I sigh.

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

February 27, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

Monday. I arrived at the hospital at just after 5pm, to a packed emergency room. It took a good twenty minutes to get checked in, and when I got upstairs the nurse who greeted me sternly scolded me with “you’re late.” She then proceeded to inform me that they might not be able to even treat me as the nurse assigned to treat me had now left for the day. She ended by telling me, “Go sit at the end of the hall and we’ll see what we can do.”

My heart sunk, and I wanted to just head downstairs, and let the ER provide me with my antibiotics, as that’s the procedure laid out on the door of the wound therapy wing: in short, if you miss your IV during therapy hours, proceed to the ER. I didn’t care if I’d end up waiting the rest of the night. But a few minutes later, the same nurse came and hooked me up to receive my antibiotics. And then, a second nurse came to hook my IV up to the fluids they administer once the antibiotics are in me.

I should’ve arrived earlier. There was no excuse not to. They have me at five on Monday to accommodate a course I’m in on Monday afternoon, but it’s one I’ve not been to in weeks because these antibiotics knock me out. I sleep so much, and in spite of this I still wake up exhausted. I feel so ashamed as it was a course I wanted to take so bad: Indigenous Art History. I’ve also fallen behind in a creative writing course I have on Thursday mornings. It’s last fall and last spring all over again: another term lost. With each semester that slips away, so too does my hope of ever completing my Bachelor of Fine Arts, which I had hoped to pair with a minor in Creative Writing.

I feel so broken inside. On the weekend I saw posts online featuring artists and writers giving talks, they all have MFAs which seem to be the bare minimum standard required to succeed in the arts. The monkey in my mind laughs at my failure, and glares at me with utter disgust whenever I find the courage to look at myself in the mirror.

I hate being alone. I hate being broke surrounded by stuff that should have helped me succeed. Wasted opportunities on a useless life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I have to own this.

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.

February 26, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

I did it again: jolting awake, asking myself what time it was… 7:55am. “Shit! Fucking God damn it. I was due at @lifelabslp at 7:50am!” were the words that fly angrily out of my mouth just under my breath as my naked frame scooted to the side of the bed, reaching for the pair of 501s I wore the day before, sliding them on as I stood up. My maltese-poodle looks up at me from her corner of the bed as if to say, “why are you getting up so early?” before putting her head back down. “I’m so fucking useless!” is another automatic negative thought that spews from my mouth as I button up my 501s, heading to the door of the guest room at my mom’s, buckling up the belt that’s still threaded through the pants.

As I moved past the open door I felt my right foot stepping on the loose sock that wasn’t pulled up on my left foot, sending my body forward. “Jesus Christ!” I mumble as my legs knocked my Gaia statue over. My left arm reached out to grab the frame of a clothing rack we have in the hall, to try & stop my fall, but the weight of my body starts to bring the rack down with me. I did my best to keep it in place, which caused the right side of my body to swing down sharply onto the hardwood floor, leaving me winded, & worried that my fall might have woken mom. I felt pain shooting through my right leg, arm, & shoulder. But somehow, I managed to get up again, returning the statue to where it had been & pushing the rack back towards the wall. From it, I selected & slid on my pikachu shirt, hoping its message “chu can do it!” might reframe my mind for a better day ahead.

My insomnia had me up past 4am. It’s why I slept late. It’s such an odd feeling, wanting to sleep but not being able to, as the monkey in my mind swings from unproductive thought to unproductive thought. Wanting to be productive but not having the energy to concentrate on anything worthwhile, & oh, those unproductive thoughts. Somehow, I made it to the lab by 8:15am & finished giving my sacrifice by 8:30. Despite my shirt, I still felt stupid, sore, & exhausted as I headed down the hall to @everbeancafe for a cup of tea & a greasy Robert sandwich.

(58/366).

This post originally appeared on Flickr and Instagram.

February 25, 2024 Subversive Selfie Project Post

February 25, 2024: my toe is throbbing tonight, like it’s in rhythm with my heartbeat. What’s worse is the Tylenol 3 seems to be doing nothing to numb the pain, although I’m not sure I took any earlier today. So I took a couple of extra strength Tylenol just now and an antihistamine as I feel my skin itching beneath my right armpit. It’s time to wash my bedsheets tomorrow, or maybe I should do it now.

I stretch out my feet, and feel the pain rolling through my left foot and up my leg like waves lapping against the shore. There’s no new blood on my feet, so I take that as a good sign but still the throbbing sensation is driving me mad. The nurse on Wednesday said I’d be getting information on Friday about seeing a specialist but Friday came and went without any information being received. Just my wound receiving fresh bandages.

The last two nights, I’ve been trying to meditate but my mind has been all over the map. It’s been hard to detach myself from the random thoughts. The loneliness persists. Ten years of loneliness persists, smelling like the dust that blankets the rooms of my house, and soul. I was at my place for a few hours Saturday, moving through the unorganized clutter, remembering how it used to not feel so empty. I remember making Jessie breakfast, I remember making love with her in my bed, but I also remember the distance between us, and the psychological blocks I felt that left that love making nothing more than a dream. I remember Jennifer, Rita, Roberto, Shannon and others visiting, filling the emptiness, breathing life into the now dead plants that inhabit this grave of a hopeless feeling. I miss making art. I miss making art with Jess.

I think of my friend who cut me off last year, the $1,700 she owes me, how she moved in with a new guy the same week she left a purportedly abusive relationship. I think about how the man she left is in a new relationship too, and I wonder how it’s so easy for some, but so impossible for me. Am I really so repulsive?

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This was originally posted on Flickr and Instagram.